Diary of a Conception

My darling babies

2009-05-09T08:42:00.000-07:00

Freddy

Genevieve

The twins have arrived

2009-05-09T08:40:00.000-07:00

As you know, I had planned an elective caesarean for the babies’ birth on 8th May… but in the end I had an emergency section at 4:00am on 29th April 2009.

My waters broke spontaneously at 1:00am after I’d got up to go to the loo, so we drove speedily to hospital where they decided to do an emergency caesarean straight away. I was 37 weeks and two days pregnant – just full term for twins.

I am not a fan of vaginal deliveries, after a hideous experience with my daughter 17 years ago, but now I'm not a fan of c-sections either! The drugs made me feel really unwell (although it was a completely painless birth). I was sick afterwards and couldn't stop shaking. I felt so bad that I was not interested in the babies, although my husband was crying and gasping in amazement and trying to get me to look at them. All I could do was concentrate on not vomiting and telling the anaesthetist my throat was closing up etc etc.

All together the birth took fifteen minutes for both babies, but then another forty-five for me to be sewed up again afterwards. However, I felt no pain at all. (I was just sick and ill)

The beautiful Freddy, “twin 1”, was born at 4:14am weighing 5.8 lb, and the lovely Genevieve, “twin 2”, a minute later at 4:15am, weighing 6.4 lb. She had a little difficulty breathing and was given oxygen for four hours, but no interventive action was taken and they were both taken with me at 9:15am to the ward (I had my own room).

From then on it was lovely. My babies are a true delight and I am so, so in love. I was up and walking within 15 hours of the op, my catheter was taken out (completely painlessly) within the same time frame and I was back home with two healthy babies two days after giving birth. Clever me. I'm very pleased to say there are no bad effects of the caesarean at all - the scar doesn't hurt. My stomach feels fine and I don’t take pain killers. (I stopped them two days after the op). If I had to do it again I was go for a c-section again but I'm not saying it was pleasant. In fact, it was thoroughly unpleasant and horrible, but... in my experience there is no nice way of getting the babies out.

My pelvic floor is completely intact and undamaged - another advantage. My lady bits are still as tight as they always were, and no tears down there. Also, it was nice that I have hardly bled (they get most of it out at the op). I had heavy bleeding for two days or so, but nothing significant and now it's just like a medium period. Sometimes I don't bleed for half a day.

The babies are a bit jaundiced but not so badly they need treatment. They just look at tad Homer Simpson!

But OH they are so adorable. I can't stop looking at them, and loving them. I kiss their little feet and blow hot air on their toes. I gaze into their eyes and tell them I'm their mummy and I would die for them. I love them so much it hurts. I am so happy to have twins. I feel like I've won the lottery.

A pic of my 35 week bump

2009-04-21T01:17:00.000-07:00

This was me a week ago. I'm even bigger now as babies are putting on fat stores like there's no tomorrow.

Suffering now

2009-04-21T00:57:00.001-07:00

36 weeks, one day.

I am deeply uncomfortable now. I think I’ve had the worst night yet. Lying on my right side is barely possible due to shooting, stabbing pains in my left ribs. In addition, unless my arm is down the blood is cut off from my hand for some reason, even though there’s nothing pressing on it and I get dreadful pins and needles. However I have to change position because my hips and legs get a deep, painful, bone ache in them every hour or two and the only way to stop it is to turn over. Lying on my back is not possible as the babies weigh too much and cause pain to the internal organs and prevent proper breathing. But the other awkward thing is that my nose and throat are completely congested most of the time and I can only breathe through one nostril, but have to cough and clear my throat fairly often. It’s very difficult to shift the catarrh as it’s so internal and quite thick.

For some reason last night my womb was doing small contractions and the skin across my stomach is so taught that it really hurts now. Even just a sheet brushing against it can be gaspingly painful. I can’t get much sleep and usually wake feeling exhausted and tearful (whilst battling to breathe through the gunge).

Today I also have a stomach ache as if I’m really hungry, but don’t want to eat because I feel sick. Don’t know what’s going on, but I feel physically attacked by numerous petty annoyances and pains from every angle. It’s very difficult to cope and I really want these babies out so I can be free from all this pain.

My caesarean is booked for ten days’ time, thank the Lord. However I’d prefer it if it were today.

Boy these last couple of weeks are tough, although I remember the constant nausea of the first three months and still think that was worse. Pain is one thing but nausea is truly hideous, and in my first trimester I was nauseous for weeks on end every minute of every day and it is the ultimate horror.

32 weeks

2009-03-26T13:45:00.000-07:00

32 weeks, 3 days

I am really big now. I have a huge bump where my flat stomach used to be. I have meaty, sturdy thighs, and very rounded hips. Also my boobs have tripled in size. This all makes everyday living quite a struggle sometimes. Putting shoes and socks on. Washing various places in the shower. Shaving legs. Turning over in bed. Getting up from a seated position. All of these activities require some effort and discomfort.

My pregnancy symptoms (complaints?) are:

The weight of the babies leading to difficulty getting around
Breathlessness
Disturbed sleep
Permanently blocked nose
Anaemia
Constipation (due to taking three iron tablets per day)
Swollen ankles
General pain and discomfort on sitting or moving or doing anything
Feeling like I need the loo frequently
Heartburn
Exhaustion

We had our 32 week scan yesterday and were told that both babies weigh approximately 4 lb each. In total that makes 8lb of baby weight alone - but that's more than Saskia was at full term - and I still have six weeks to go! Sometimes I feel as if I might burst or pop or just become too heavy to carry myself around or breathe properly.

The caesarean is now booked for 1st May, although that seems such a long way off... But at least I don't have any of the serious complications of third trimester pregnancy - just niggling discomforts.

Our names choices are now as follows:

Boys
Mallory , Fabian, Frank, Nathan, Rafi, Jerome, Alec, Giles, Frederick (Fred)

Girls
Rosa, Zoe, Tara, Genevieve, Hazel, Milla, Dana, Tamsin, Matilda, Madison, Georgette

26 weeks double bump

2009-02-24T01:39:00.000-08:00

This is a picture of my bump two weeks ago. Apparently I expand my 1cm every week from now on...

Into the third trimester

2009-02-24T01:32:00.000-08:00

28 weeks, 1 day

This is the second day of being in my third trimester! I'm so pleased and happy to be here. If something goes wrong and the babies are born now they have a 90% chance of survival. Nothing's going to go wrong though.

My pregnancy is running fairly smoothly. I've had a bit of a struggle with anaemia over the last month but it seems to be improving now. I'm on 3 x ferrous sulphate tablets every day, plus 1 x 5mg folic acid. I also take omega-3 tablets, and make sure I eat things that contain iron, such as dried apricots, leafy greens, dried peaches, etc. At one point my haemoglobin went down to 9.7, which is pretty anaemic, but after taking all the precautions described above I'm now back up to 10.4 and rising, so it's much better.

My main battle ground is The Bed. When I look at it I know I'm going to have a night of battle: fighting the pillows to get in a comfortable position so that my hips are not in agony. Getting up and going to the loo a few times and re-fighting the pillows to get comfortable again (all the while ignoring the cat and her demands either to be let out or to be fed). And also it's a right struggle to breathe. My nose is either so blocked I can't get enough air in and have to pant through my mouth, or, my lungs don't seem to take in enough air even if my nose is free. I'm constantly moving and turning and fidgeting and trying to get in a position so I can breathe and be pain-free enough to sleep.

Last weekend we constructed the nursery in the largest spare room: 2 cots, a changing station, a rocking chair, all the little clothes in the cupboard, the nappies stock-piled and bottles and sterilising unit all arranged. We've bought the car seats, double buggy and moses baskets, so we're pretty much there. Just a few more small things to get (newborn baby head rests for the buggy, perhaps some more moses basket sheets).

22 weeks twin bump

2009-01-15T02:15:00.000-08:00

I am very proud of my bump. I feel both babies move around every day and night. It's lovely. I smile when I feel them, and tell them I love them. (And yet all along there is a threatening, terrifying cloud of fear in the background that something could go wrong. I wish I could just enjoy this pregnancy without catastrophising, prediciting disaster and hideous complications.)

20 week anomoly scan

2009-01-03T08:37:00.000-08:00

Our scan went very well. The babies are developing as they should; no problems detected. But the sonographer was not very good - she kept asking me whether twin 1 was the girl or boy. How do I know? It's in the notes she has in front of her if she cares to read! She didn't tell me what the babies weighed, or give me good photographs - the ones we got were quite poor. She was a bit of a mumbler and didn't explain what we were looking at, and as she only scanned close up on various parts of each baby (such as the cerebellum, or the stomach lining etc) I didn't get any views of the babies themselves. And when I asked about my cervix, which was worrying me, she replied that she couldn't see it and I shouldn't worry.

Disappointing. At our last scan (16 weeks) we saw a female consultant who was excellent.

Oh well, at least we know she didn't spot any problems although I was told one of my babies has a head resting right on my cervix, so they couldn't check its profile. I wish he or she wouldn't do that. I need my cervix not to be put under pressure!! I sneezed this morning and... forgot to clench my pelvic floor.

Also, I am full of cold right had a terrible night’s sleep. On New Year’s Eve I went to bed at 10:30 with a headache, aching face, utterly blocked up sinuses etc and fitfully dozed on and off all night, waking with a headache, neck ache, even more blocked up etc at 5:00am. I party-pooped the entire event and have only felt well enough to get dressed today. This really is a very nasty cold. Even my windpipe and lungs feel as if they're on fire. I’m overwhelmed with gunge in my head and chest, and my head pounds and aches all day. I hope none of this is affecting the babies. Made myself a fruit tea at 4:00 this morning. Can't sleep as head too painful when I lie down, but three pillows, two blankets and a quilt still can't make it comfortable enough so I can sleep sitting up. I just want this to be over. It's one of the worst colds I've ever had.

But so, so pleased the babies seem to be developing normally. Looking forward to the next scan.

Blooming!

2008-12-28T14:19:00.000-08:00

19 weeks, 6 days

Nearly 20 weeks!

I'm feeling so healthy these days. I think I'm actually blooming!

Sometimes I don't even know I'm pregnant. I guess I'm really lucky. My symptoms are minimal: daily mild aching in the lower womb area, baby kicks, a bump, bigger boobs, and sometimes a stuffed up nose at night. Not much to moan about. Oh and I get a REALLY aching coccix as I go to stand up after sitting. I'm so pleased, as other ladies at my stage seem to have a lot more to complain about. My headaches are so minor and sometimes I don't even have one. It's a lovely relief they've more or less stopped.

We have our 20 week scan in two days' time. The anomoly scan. I will ask the sonographer if she can see my cervix (so I can stop worrying that it is incompetent).

Worry, worry, worry

2008-12-21T03:46:00.000-08:00

18 weeks, 6 days

My latest worry is incompetent cervix.

I have never been diagnosed with one but it sounds so terrifying and it is such a horror. Your cervix, 'silently' and painlessly dilates in the second trimester, and then one day your waters break, and it's the end! Horror. And you only get the diagnosis if this had happened to you several times. I don't want this to happen to me once.

I'd rather they just had a look at the cervix beforehand. I know I am paranoid and it probably isn't going to affect me, but we had a piece of rare, rare bad luck last time in the pregnancy and I unfortunately know that it can happen to you, no matter how remote you think the possibility. At my next scan, which is about 20 weeks in about 10 days time, I will ask if she can see my cervix. I'm sure the consultant will be able to reassure me that all looks fine and it's not going to happen.

I like nice good, sound medical reasons.

Meanwhile, some positive thinking and trying not to imagine the worst possible scenarios of everything.

I said to my mum today that I seem to have a tendency to catastrophise things - to imagine the very worst - and I don't know why. A kind of self-protection measure I suppose, but I wish I didn't. I think it's because this pregnancy is so very precious that it really would be the worst thing that could happen to me to lose it.

But... that's not going to happen.

My bump

2008-12-13T07:06:00.001-08:00

17 weeks, 5 days.

When walking around outside in this cold winter weather, wrapped up in winter coat and scarf, I can still easily pass as not pregnant. I don't have an obvious bulge. But in a thin top pressed close to my skin you can see that I am pregnant now. (I am very proud of this!)

I look at my stomach every night when I get ready for bed and I imagine the baboos in there... I am in awe of nature and what's going on inside me. I just think it's such a miracle, and so special... and then I starting thinking how can we be this lucky?? How can it continue to to be ok...? And then I tell myself to stop thinking negative things. etc etc and this inner dialogue/argument starts up between pesimism and optimism..

At 17 weeks

2008-12-11T11:59:00.000-08:00

17 weeks, 3 days

I have just about grown out of the first pair of maternity jeans I bought.

ANother weird symptom has emerged:

I get an unpleasant feeling in my right ear - a horrible clicking sound every time my heart beats, but I actually hear and feel it in just one ear. I sometimes sit at my computer with my left finger in my right ear just so I don't have to hear and feel the clicking any more. It's horrible!

I also still have the totally stuffed up nose every night so I guess it's to do with the whole blocked sinus issue etc, but it sure is annoying.

This morning when DH felt my stomach he remarked, "oh, it's got smaller." I said, "yes, my bump's almost gone every morning." I don't know why. We talked a little about the possibilities and then just shrugged. It's a mystery to me. In the evenings I sometimes feel a bit stretched and big but it's always gone by morning.

However I do feel movements every day and night, little flutters low down and to the side. It's a wonderful feeling.

16 week scan

2008-12-06T03:01:00.000-08:00

16 weeks, 4 days

I had my scan and everything is fine! Yes! The babies are moving, kicking each other happily, and have developed perfectly (as far as the consultant could see at this stage).

We saw perfect little spines, well-formed brains, working kidneys, pumping hearts, little hands and feet, long legs and genitals! :-D We were so happy. It was confirmed again that we have a boy and a girl (with the fact that there is a boy being very obvious!)

I guess we have to believe now that it's really going to happen and then in five months time, or less, we will have two babies.

I can feel the movements now. They just started properly in the last few days. Little flutters and internal pokes - with greater frequeny when I'm lying down. It's lovely.

DH is overjoyed, and I'm so happy to be able to give him this.

Pregnancy hormones

2008-12-04T03:44:00.000-08:00

16 weeks, 3 days

I've just had the worst night of my life. I was awake between 2:00am and 7:00am. When I finally got to sleep I dreamed my DH was having an affair, and he threw his wedding ring at me while I screamed and cried. I woke up with a headache unable to breathe, having had about an hour and a half's fitful sleep.

Pregnancy hormones are driving me crazy. And then this morning I looked in the mirror at my bump and it looked much smaller to me. I am not having a good day. Feel depressed. But at least we have the scan tomorrow..

Horrible sudden sickness

2008-11-18T03:59:00.000-08:00

14 weeks, 1 day pregnant.

Something really weird just happened so I am looking for some advice.

Today, before 11:30 I have eaten one of those "good bacterior" yoghurts a large slice of melon, half a pint of grapefruit juice, half a pint of other carbonated juice, one toasted crumpet and jam, and two freshly squeezed organic oranges. My usual pre-lunch food. I just sat down to work and my desk, but suddenly got an overwhelming desire to be sick. As you know, I had terrible nausea for six weeks solid in my first trimester, but never once threw up. I don't get that continuous nausea any more, just the rare sudden feeling of strong sickness which only lasts for a few seconds then goes away. But today, for the first time in my pregnancy I threw up the entire contents of my stomach. I just couldn't help it. I still feel a bit dodgy and wonder if I could have a bug??

Otherwise, does anyone know why vomitting should start at 14 weeks?? Could it be the "good bacterior" yoghurt or the carbonated drink? Or giving up clexane? (I stopped injecting clexane two days ago and also stopped the cyclogest bum bullets, and the mega doses of folic acid).

I felt fine straight away afterwards and was considering a full lunch or rice and vegetable sauce, but... I just hate being sick and don't like to waste all this good food - seems such a shame. Also, I am starting to feel a little dodgy again..

I suppose I just have to take my chances, carry on with life as usual and just throw up if I need to. But why now..?? And why with so little warning?

Feeling Pregnant

2008-11-12T09:53:00.000-08:00

I am 13 weeks 2 days and am starting to feel pregnant.

I can't sit slumped at my desk any more. My ribs feel like they're juddering against some soft tissue, like a stomach or something, so I have to sit with a fairly straight back these days. Probably better for me but not so relaxing!

I find my husbands boxer shorts remarkably comfortable. My own knickers dig in with a bit of a red line now.

I am starting to need maternity clothes. I long to find some dungarees that fit.

Although my nausea has receded and is just mild these days, my headaches are strong and every day. I also can't sleep and my thirst is endless. I could drink litres and litres of grapefruit juice, but limit myself as I don't want to have too much vitamin C. I also drink squashes and bottled water.

When I walk around I can feel fat in places that didn't have fat before. It wobbles when I over or go over bumps in the car. Would be highly alarming at any other time in my life. But with a twin pregnancy I am glad of it and find it comforting.

Clexane issue

I have decided to continue with the injections for the next few days and then just stop. It's not necessary to have them - my clinic believes it improves blood flow to the womb, but I think the harm that it can do (not fully known over the long term) versus the risk of not very good blood flow to the womb is maybe not worth it?? Scary decision but... that's what I'm going to do. I am phasing out the cyclogest too as it's no longer important to have progesterone support - I didn't need it before but it is a standard for my clinic.

Dilemma

2008-11-09T02:01:00.000-08:00

12 weeks 6 days.

My clinic has prescribed clexane injections for me since I became pregnant, and I am still taking them, although I have never before had a clot or am at risk of a clot. I think the ARGC prescribe it as a kind of standard, but.... I want to stop. My midwife said I have unusual low blood pressure (which I never in my life had before) and I am blaming the blood thinning injections. I'm scared to stop them in case I harm the babies (but surely I couldn't??) but still... am scared. I am on clexane injections every day and cyclogest bum bullets twice a day. I don't like it and I don't see why I'm on them, but I do them because my clinic (ARGC) said to take them.

I know that clexane can cause raised platelets in the blood - which is a bad thing - one girl I know that to have a platelet transfusion, and another is on the borderline of high. I don't want this complication. There is no clinical evidence that clexane improves blood flow to the uterus but some clinics think it might.

To sum up: cleaxane can cause bad things to happen to the body and blood when used long term, but there is no evidence that it helps blood flow to the uterus. I have delivered a full term baby before without any clexane and am now suffering from low blood pressure, headaches, a fast beating heart... all kinds of funny things. I think if I stopped the medication and just did the pregnancy naturally like last time I would be helping my body. But... it's still a scary decision!

I'm also on the lowest possible dose of clexane (and just once a day) and I know I am at minimal risk... I guess the best thing is to call my clinic and talk to them about it. I would rather take an aspirin pill than inject myself every day. I wonder if they would let me swap?I have also stopped the ferrous sulphate because the midwife said she was worried about the long term effects. So all I'm on now is pregnacare multi-vitamins and my high dose of folic acid. Feels much better (psychologically) now I've eliminated the progesterone bum bullets, clexane injections, and ferrous sulphate tablets. But I will still confess all to my clinic and will go back on clexane if they say it is important. I would rather risk my body's health than my babies health.

Shock good results

2008-11-06T08:32:00.000-08:00

12 weeks three days. Nuchal scan with D. Gibb at The Birth Company in Harley Street.

I can't believe it... Not only are my babies both normal (as far as they can tell, but certainly no acrania, praise be) with low risk of Down Syndrome, but Dr. Gibb told me with 100% certainly that Twin 1 is a girl and 98% certainty that Twin 2 is a boy.

Can you believe at 12 weeks three days I know the sex of my babies?

We are so happy. I cried so much I thought I was having an asthma attack. My DH developed an instant headached and felt like he needed to go to sleep. I think the tension in us was so high that we experienced a kind of extreme physical downer straight afterwards. :'( :'( :'(

But we are flooded with joy and are daring to dream, to think, to pray... that it might be real and might be ok. :'( :'( :'(

Twin 1 is 1:1519 risk of having Downs
Twin 2 is 1:1713 risk of having Downs

This is classified as Low. Thank the Lord!

Banging noise

2008-10-31T02:45:00.000-07:00

I got myself into a panic yesterday as for the last few nights I've notice my heart rate is much faster than usual, like it's pounding in my rib cage, and all I've done all day is sit at my computer, cook a soup, and watch TV! I was really alarmed that I timed my pulse. It was going at 96 beats per minute, and since my usual is 60, or just a little more, I was starting to panic. My heart only usaually races along like that if I've just come off the badminton court or I'm at the gym.

This morning I did some research on the internet which shows that the old familiar friend of anaemia is the cause (which I knew if I'd put two and two together) and pregnancy doesn't help either - especially a twin pregnancy.

Has anyone else noticed a racing heart beat, even while just lying in bed?

This morning it was down to 74 beats per minute. So during the day it goes up and by bed time it feels like I've been doing vigorous exercise. By morning it's resting about 20 beats per minute slower again. What that all about? Will it carry on for the whole pregnancy?

Answers

2008-10-28T05:04:00.000-07:00

I have answers to the precious day's panic. Clexane only prevents clotting by thinning the blood and does not alter the components of the blood, so using it can't give me anaemia. And iron supplements are perfectly ok to take during pregnancy.

Now, at 11 weeks one day, my symptoms include:

Waking up in the night at 4 (or so) and lying there awake for two hours or more, exhaustedly wishing I could get back to sleep
A permanently blocked nose (Why? It's not a cold, I am just always stuffy these days)
Nausea every day all day
A headache every day all day
Exhaustion
Very thirtsy

At the moment there really isn't a bump to see, just a rather fatter than usual stomach and expanded thighs and hips.

:-(

Old familiar friend

2008-10-27T03:31:00.000-07:00

11 weeks today!

I'm still feeling sick every day all day, although I dare to say that I think it's not as intense as it was before...

I've had a few dreadful headaches, so painful I've been in tears and not known what to do. Two poxy paracetamols aren't much help. Reminds me of my anaemia headaches eight years ago (I had a blood transfusion as my anaemia was so bad. Haemaglobin was 7.3 and I was not able to function day-to-day. I was so weak and in pain).

** Weird coincidence alert!! **

I just had a call from my local doctor a few minutes ago telling me that I am anaemic (I kind of knew because of the headaches).

He wants me to go back on iron tablets but:

1. Is this ok in prengnancy? I thought it wasn't good to have too much iron.

2. Do clexane injections make anaemia worse? They are blood thinners so do they counteract the work of itron tablets anyway?

I have been on clexane injections for the last eleven weeks but would love to stop them, especially if they're contributing to my anaemia. The headaches are unbearable - can't even sleep through them.

I have just eaten a fried egg and six organic dried apricots glugged down with grapefruit juice. (I know well what foods are good for iron for vegetarians and how best to help absorption). Must get some watercress this afternoon.

Sinking...

2008-10-15T04:32:00.000-07:00

Nine weeks, two days.

Yesterday the nausea was so strong I had to pace outside. I held my hair back from my face, broke out in a sweat and started shaking. I was so, so close... After five minutes of pure disgusting torture I ran to the loo, on and off... running the water in the sink, staring down the plug hole, whishing I had my hairband with me... but I made it and didn't throw up in the end. (I really, really hate throwing up and will fight it will every ounce of my strength - for better or worse).

Last night and today, no change. Feel sick every minute, every hour and every day. And so, so tired.

On top of the nausea I've fallen into some kind of weird drepression, like a self-protection mechanism. I've convinced myself that I've lost my babies.

Warning: miserable, depressing post. Skip if you're bored with my complaints

I don't feel pregnant any more.

I can say this to you girls, but not to my DH or family as they just think I'm moaning and boring and saying the same things. But I need to get it off my chest.

I put on a lot of weight straight away at six weeks, my stomach exploded and I looked really flabby (which I was proud of). Up to about eight weeks I feel a tight, stretching feeling in my womb... and then I had three days of cramps. Not too bad, but strange like mild AF pains, and I also had stomach pains and diahorrea. I still feel very, very sick, but (sorry girls, don't read this if you will be upset) but I have more or less convinced myself that I have had a missed miscarriage. My body still thinks I'm pregnant and I feel exhausted and sick - but that's because my body has no idea that the pregnancy has failed. It's an awful thing to say but that feeling... the pregnancy, tight feeling has just stopped at about eight weeks or so, and now I just feel empty. I am not putting on any extra weight at all and my stomach feels flatter than before. I can't adequately explain how I feel apart from saying that there feels as if there is no progress any more, no expansion, no weight gain. Just sickness and exhaustion.

I have a scan on Friday so my doubts will either be confirmed or denied. But I wanted to say what I've been thinking and feeling, formally here, so that I'm not too shocked if it's true. :'( DH would never listen to these worries as he would find it annoying and stupid. But I can't help it. I just can't help it. I feel as if something's stopped, a process that was on-going is now halted. My body is no longer changing shape, if anything, going back a bit.

I hope against hope that what I have written is untrue and rubbish and just me being paranoid and imagining the worst case scenario. If all is perfectly fine at the scan on Friday I promise not to complain about this again.

As bad as ever

2008-10-14T02:42:00.000-07:00

Nine weeks, one day pregnant.

But I've just had the worst night yet. Apart from the constant nausea all day and night, and the overwhelming exhaustion and niggling headaches, I think I had a stomach upset because of something I ate. Pains and diahorrea all night AND insomnia on top of it all. I finally got to sleep at 1:00, but was awake at 2:00, 3:30 and 6:30. Finally got back to sleep at 7:30 and woke up at 9:00 utterly wrecked feeling like I was about to be sick (as usual). I haven't had a shower in four days I just don't feel I can cope. These days are so hard to get through. I can't wait to have other complaints instead of this torture...

The torture of continuous nausea

2008-10-07T13:45:00.000-07:00

I am eight weeks one day and feeling as sick as ever, and completely exhausted. Most afternoons I'm asleep by 2:00pm for an hour. Every minute of the day I fight nausea. I don't know how I get through the hours, days... weeks stretching in front of me... I cower at the near future. It's indomitable. Never ending. Frightening. How can I get through life like this?

I gag in my mind just thinking about any food or my office or work or going to bed or anything. My stomach turns every few seconds. I swallow hard and fight and fight. Why the hell does nature arrange it like this?? What is the point??

I will get through this

2008-10-04T14:11:00.000-07:00

Sick and tired. Every day, all day.

Sometimes I don't know how I'm going to get through the hours. When I remember that I'm only 7 weeks, 5 days and that I have another 4 weeks of this ahead of me it is very disheatening.

It is so trying and draining feeling nauseous all day every day. I get headaches too.

Scan yesterday showed two heartbeats and two embyros measuring 14mm each. I was so relieved I hadn't killed them off with badminton, massage, and a glass of red wine.

I'm wearing maternity jeans today - the first time. They're too big and slip down a bit but don't dig in when I sit down and that's nice. I'm getting a bit of a podge.

Continuing symptoms

2008-09-30T02:52:00.000-07:00

Morning. Sorry I haven't posted in a while. I am seven weeks one day pregnant today, and have had my scan. It's twins. We were so overwhelmed with joy to see two pregnancy sacs and two heartbeats last Friday. I have another scan this Friday to make sure everything still going as it should.

Symptoms

My sleep is disrupted. I get up at least twice to go to the loo but I toss and turn and wake up every hour throughout the night, waking up at 7:00 feeling completely exhausted. Coincidentally I actually had a good night's sleep last night, but that is very rare and was because I couldn't get a nap during the day (too many phone calls) and watched a film until late so was truly, truly knackered. This early pregnancy is so hard: feeling nauseous all day, looking pregnant in the belly (why?) exhausted but can't sleep, working but can't focus or care... it's difficult to get through the days.

I just have to keep swallowing down the sickness, sipping water all day and eating little and often. But sometimes just opening the fridge and smelling the food inside makes me feel even sicker than ever.. I've taken to sucking on fruit lollies. Lemon lollies are the best.

Luckily my cold is on the way out and the terrible crick in my back is getting better, and the ache in my legs (from a two hour match-standard barminton session) is receeding slightly. I was so sorry for myself with all these bodily pains and discomforts at once. The continuous nausea is the worst and most annoying symptoms at the moment.

Oh well, only five more weeks to go until it might start getting better... (not cheered up because I don't know how I'm going to get through the next five hours let alone weeks..)

:-(

The symptoms of pregnancy

2008-09-25T10:28:00.001-07:00

I am six weeks, three days today and..... Oooooh the nausea is so bad. I didn't have symptoms like this until I was eight weeks last time, but it's all started extra early this time.

The nausea is now with me from morning till night and then there to greet me when I wake up to go to the loo during the night (two or three times). It is so draining constantly fighting the feeling of being about to throw up. It's like a torture. Last pregnancy I remember thinking, "four more weeks of this till it starts to get better, but how am I going to get through the days?" This time it's six more weeks, and I really, really feel drained. Sometimes I just don't know how I'm going to last the month of October. It doesn't help that I have a cold and it's all stuck in my sinuses and I have a headache every day, but the nausea is the worst thing. Every day I feel so bad at about 12:00 / 1:00 in the afternoon that I have to retire to bed. The nausea is strong, the head and face ache and I feel I can barely keep my eyes open. And this is in spite of getting eight hours of (broken) sleep at night. The pregnancy is really affecting my strongly this time.

I seem to get a second wind after supper, feeling a bit better after I've gorged myself on something. I'm eating so much, doing very little exercise that I'm starting to get worried that I might be given mountain status.

Well... at least I'm starting badminton again - match practice tomorrow night, after my scan in the morning.

Today I ate:

Boiled free range organic egg and a slice of toast
Cup of fruit tea
Small glass of red grape and pomegrante juice

Jacket potato with butter and cheese, side salad and coleslaw
Carton of orange juice

Organic plain bio yoghurt

Home made vegetable sauce (onion, mushrrooms, chilli, tomatoes, carrots, bay leaf from the garden)

... and that takes you up to now, half past six in the evening. No doubt I will have a large lump of cheese and an apple, or some toast or another yoghurt or something, and perhaps a coffee too before bed.

My first craving

2008-09-23T01:19:00.000-07:00

I am six weeks one day pregnant today, and a few days ago the nausea started, lightly and on and off, but it's started. Each day it gets a little bit stronger..

BUT A WEIRD THING HAS HAPPENED TO ME

I think I am having a craving. Yesterday I thought about this particular substance on and off but was quite casual about it. Then yesterday evening I was thinking of it again in more stronger terms. And then this morning it was the first thing I thought about when I woke up.

I think I am experiencing a craving for coffee. Has anyone ever heard of this before? A pregnant woman wants to drink coffee? And why on earth??

I stopped drinking coffee seven years ago and have not had even a drop since then. I haven't missed it either, not even thought about it. And now all of a sudden I really, really fancy a cup and have searched the back of my cupboards and found some old out-of-date instant nescaffe. I looked in the fridge and got some milk (which is out of date since the 21st - two days ago and smelled a litle pungent) but what the hell... I still had to have my cup of coffee! So bizarre. I can't understand it.

It was delicious.

.

Rising nicely - no more blood tests

2008-09-18T09:50:00.000-07:00

Although I have been a bit remiss on writing here, my HCG blood levels have been rising steadily over the last few days. I am five weeks three days pregnant (24 DPO) and my levels are 25,061 today. (They were 8,300 last Monday). It seems all is going just as it should. Very exciting.

My clinic have told me I don't need to go in for blood tests any more but have requested I go in for a scan booked next Thursday! However, DH says he can't do that day and could I re-arrange it (he really wants to be there to see the little Baboos for the firsxt time)? So I might have it on Friday instead. Too late to call the clinic back now and re-arrange so will have to do it in the morning.

But.. it is very good news, despite the aches, pains, IBS, cramping, etc I'm getting. To top it all I've developed a cold so I have a sore throat, headache and runny nose too. :-[

But nothing can quell the happiness of the hope I've been given...

18 DPO

2008-09-13T02:23:00.001-07:00

Eighteen days post ovulation (in other words, 18 days since egg collection) my HCG is 2,387. Yaaaaay - all seems to be working well so far. Fingers crossed. So pleased, but not allowing myself to be too hopeful or relaxed, or to think ahead. After the last two times (a chemical pregnancy and being forced to terminate at 3 months) I just daren't think that all is going to be fine this time. I'm just taking one day at a time and hoping, hoping, so much...

Hurdles

2008-09-11T06:35:00.000-07:00

A blood test the day after the first blood test revealed that my HCG levels have increased to 977.

I'm so relieved and happy.

I have jumped many hurdles so far:

1. Getting enough eggs
2. Achieving good fertilisation
3. The embryos keep dividing
4. Getting pregnant
5. Having a viable, ongoing pregnancy

The sixth is the scan to see if there's a heartbeat, and the seventh is passing the Nuchal test... but those are both far into the future at the moment. There are more hurdles of course...

But right now I'm living one day at a time and trying not to think too far ahead.

We are delighted and pleased to get this far.

HCG Levels

2008-09-09T14:23:00.000-07:00

OMG! I had my blood tested today (15 days post egg collection, 10 days post transfer) to see what the level of HCG was, and it came back as 591. That's very high!!

Still getting AF-type aches and pains and of course the inevitable constipation has kicked in, byt apart from that nothing else to report as yet. Except that we're very excited and scared all at once about the high level of HCG in my blood already. Maybe both embryos survived...?

Peeing into a glass

2008-09-08T00:44:00.000-07:00

I am so lucky. And happy. And thankful. I got my BFP this morning.

I peed in a shot glass at about 7:00 and we dipped three different test sticks into it. We waited about a minute and then DH looked (as I was too scared) and he straight away told me it was positive. I was shaking and terrified and had tears in my eyes. We were so relieved and happy. But remain cautious because... just in case... I need to see my HCG levels rise before I believe it's here to stay. First blood test tomorrow morning.

Yaaaaay - it worked again (third time lucky).

Testing, testing...

2008-09-07T10:31:00.000-07:00

I test tomorrow morning...

I am very scared and not getting much sleep, although I do have some symptoms:

Tender, maybe a bit swollen, boobs
More CM than usual
More tired than usual (although this could be due to stress as I'm not getting good nights' sleep)
AF aches

Although all of my symptoms could be attributed to the cyclogest pessaries or AF about to come... I am hoping that they are because I am pregnant. I will know tomorrow morning..

Not knowing

2008-09-05T01:15:00.000-07:00

I really want to do a test tomorrow morning (it would be 3 days early - like last time).

It's HELL not knowing. I mean, I know the result is already decided inside me. Whether I am pregnant, or am not is already decided. It's just that I don't know what that result is. I want to know so badly!!!

But if I tested, say, tomorrow morning, I'd have to test the next three mornings with the same kind of stick to make sure that I still am pregnant and the line is getting darker. I've exerpeinced the utter disappointment of a chemical pregnancy, so obviously cannot be sure until I know my HCG numbers are doubling every three days or so, and I can only find this out through regular blood tests. But my clinic does blood tests every other day for about two weeks after you get your result so if I'm pregnant I'll know if the numbers are rising.

Signs and symptoms

2008-09-04T08:51:00.000-07:00

For the first two days or so after embryo transfer (ET) I had twinges and stabbing pains and general aches in the womb. I was really pleased about it as it felt that something important was going on. Then all went still and quiet. Boobs stopped feeling as tender as they had been doing (due to the trigger shot, presumably) and the twinges and aches went away... I was left feeling fine, and unhappy about this! I wanted a bit of discomfort to let me know something was going on. Then yesterday, and a bit of today, I've had a low ache, very low down in my womb, like when you have AF only different, and I'm interpreting it as a good sign. Simultaneously, yesterday I started with the cervical mucus, which hasn't been there for ages and has just now come back with a vengeance. Nice. But, again... could be a good sign. This afternoon I even had a metallic taste in my mouth, but I wonder if that was because something unpleasant fell down from the back of my nose... UGH, GROSS. Why did I even write that?

Five days till test day. And this time I believe I'm actually going to hold out right up to the day.

Very special person

2008-09-01T09:39:00.000-07:00

I feel like a very special person. I have my embryos inside.

I am being very philosophical and have taken the attitude that there is nothing I can do to influence implantation. Worrying, praying and hoping won't make the blindest bit of difference. It will either happen or it won't happen. We just have to wait, and in the meantime we should have friends round, eat good food, read good books, watch great films, hug our families, and just wait calmly and see. We just have to carry on with life. The outcome is in the hands of fate and if I am pregnant now, or if I'm not, it is already decided inside me, and worring cannot help.

It's just so difficult to keep the dreams away. Thoughts keep sneaking in such as, "oooh, what if I am pregnant. I will be pregnant. We might have a baby. OOoh," And then I rush to crush those thoughts with, "don't think like that. It may not happen. It might be a BFN - so don't get your hopes up too much." And the internal arguments continue.

At lunch time I enjoyed a small glass of organic red wine. :-)

Introducing The Baboos

2008-08-30T08:53:00.000-07:00

Saskia, Howard and I got to the ARGC at 10:00 where the embryologist told us that we had two "picture perfect" blastocysts to transfer - really top quality. We were so happy!

We also have two to freeze so that makes three frosties in total. Enough for a FET later, after these two pieces of perfection are born.

So I am now PUPO again (Pregnant Until Proven Otherwise). I test in ten days time on 9th Sept (although knowing me I'm sure to test before then!). I hope I hold out. I'm going to give DH the pee sticks so I can't sneakily do one.... Although it's not beyond me to pop out and buy one secretly. I can be quite out of control sometimes! Generally speaking though I'm really, really happy and look forward to a positive result in ten days. Come on embies; you have been named The Baboos (my DH calls babies Baboos so I couldn't resist, even though it looks and sounds a bit like baboons..)

Deciding about ET

2008-08-28T08:51:00.000-07:00

We have decided to go for blastocysts again.

This morning (Day 3 post EC) I had a wide variety of cell division:
1@8 cells
2@7 cells
1@6-7 cells
2@5 cells

They could pretty much pick out too good ones and were happy to put them back. But as I was unsure they decided to wait until 1:00pm and have another look.

The situation now is:
2@8 cells
3@7 cells
1@6-7 cells
1@6 cells

So from a situation where some were not at the right stage we've gone to a situation where all are at the right stage.

All are slightly fragmented as well, so it's not possible to pick two good ones any more today. Apparently some embryos lose their fragmentation as they divide on, some don't. Slight fragmentation is normal, it's only if there is major fragmentation that it's a bad thing. None of mine are majorly fragmented so the logical decision seems to be to carry on to blastocyst stage to get two obvious good ones and freeze any others.

At the moment, none of them are top grade, but I'm not worried as the embryologist wasn't bothered about this. She seemed to be more concerned that they continue to divide normally without a great deal of fragnmentation and that's that's happened to all seven of ours!! (So pleased!) Although I'm disappointed I'm not getting them put back today, I think waiting is the right decision in this situation, and I look forward to Saturday - which is when the transfer will definitely happen.

Hmmm... more waiting...

Dividing

2008-08-27T07:48:00.000-07:00

The happiness continues. All seven embryos are dividing nicely today, Day 2 after egg collection. Apparently by now they should all be 2 cell or 4 cell embryos and all mine are four cell except one which is five cell! SO pleased.

They will call again tomorrow to let me know if I shoudl come in for embryo transfer or leave it another two days (they don't do Day 4 transfers) and go to blast and a day five transfer.

I will do whatever they think best for my embryos.

Fertilisation achieved

2008-08-26T02:11:00.000-07:00

Had the phone call this morning and seven eggs fertilised!!!
I am so happy.
I can't believe it.

:-)

Two were apparently no good to even inject (too large) and two fertilised abnormally.

But seven... it's so much better than last time when I only got four.

I pray they all keep dividing well, as we would like to be able to have some frosties this time as well as two put back.

Generally speaking, I am extremely happy and don't feel very sore from egg collection yesterday at all. Yaaaay!

Egg Collection

2008-08-25T04:22:00.000-07:00

This morning, at 7:45, the doctor retrieved 11 eggs from me, and we're going to have ICSI.

We had a very good talk with the embryologist after the proceedure, and what with my 39 year old eggs that are not chromosomally perfect and DH's sperm which had 85 abonormal forms, it was the right option for us this time. We had planned to have IVF but the embryologist was excellent and went into some detail about both proceedures, and we went with her recommendation of all ICSI.

The phone call tomorrow morning will let me know how many fertilised. (very scary)

I don't have the excruciating pain in the shoulder that I had with the last egg collection - they must have avoided that nerve this time! - but I am feeling very tender down below. I have had one voltarol suppository and two paracetamols, but I am still sore.

From now on it's two cyclogest suppositories per day and one baby asprin. No mention of clexane yet (which is nice!).

Flushing the pipes

2008-08-22T13:48:00.000-07:00

Today we were struggling with the issue of how many days DH should "flush his pipes out" before egg collection. Four seems to me like the perfect time to leave it as current thinking indicates between 3 and 5 days.

However, researching it I found that 36 hours is fine, and that now the thinking is not to leave it longer than 3 days. Could this be true??

We just did the deed tonight, which means if I trigger tomorrow (which is what we assume) then DH's sperm will be 2.5 days old at the time of egg collection (conception). We're quite anxious about this because we don't want ICSI, so the sperm have got to be as good quality as possible for IVF. Also, sperm quality is our stumbling block (as well as my age!) because he had a vasectomy for 24 years.

Poor DH really dislikes having to do the deed on EC day, and I can understand this. It's humiliating (in a different way to what we women have to go through) to have to produce on demand in that little room with people all talking and walking around normally outside.

But I have to inject myself with drugs every day, several times a day, and drink litres and litres of water, and constantly be near toilets. ETC. It's so uncomfortable when travelling to always desperately need the loo. And the train toilets are always rather unsavoury... And I have to travel every single day - up to the clinic and back.

Today I had a blood test in the morning followed an hour and a half later by a scan. Then a I had to return for a blood test in the afternoon and another scan, performed by Mr T himself.

Tonight I have to take just 25 iu of Puregon. We think I will trigger tomorrow evening.

Scan

2008-08-18T09:36:00.000-07:00

Today on my scan they saw a BIG follicle on each side. On the left one follie measured 16mm and on the right, one measured 12.5mm. There are many more - about five on each side, but all much smaller.

Although there are about 12 follicles developing in total, I don't think it's terribly good news that there are two huge ones while all the rest aresmall... This didn't happen last time. They all developed at a steady pace together. But we'll wait and see. I'm at the best clinic and they adjust the medication every day so they might yet rescue the situation.

This evening I have to take 300iu of Puregon only (in contrast to yesterday which was 300 of Merional and 75 of Puregon). Last cycle it was simply 300 Merional all the way through, until the last few days when I switched to Puregon.

Why do they switch, I wonder? What difference does it make? Perhaps Puregon will somehow allow the others to catch up with the two big boys..?

Special effort

2008-08-17T13:48:00.000-07:00

To help me on my quest for plenty of good quality eggs, in addition to my normal diet,

I'm eating:

Brazil nuts (for selenium)
Tofu (for protiene)
Cereal (because I have it with lots of milk)

I'm drinking:

Water
Fruit tea
Milk (only on cereal)

Vitamin Supplements:

Vegetarian Omega 3, 6, 9
200mg Co-enzyme Q10
Pregnacare vitamin supplements
5mg folic acid

I'm abstaining from:

Caffeine
Alcohol
Exercise (just during stims and the 2ww, and for a week or so after that)

I'm also making sure my diet is varied, as organic as possible, and as healthy as possible, with a few naughty-but-nice things thrown in for good measure.

At the same time my DH is doing:

No caffeine
No alcohol
No smoking a shisha
Taking Wellman vitamins
Co-enzyme Q10 200mg
Vegetarian Omegas 3,6, and 9.

Half way through stims

2008-08-17T13:42:00.000-07:00

I'm still stimming away. Day 8 on Monday.

So far I've had eight blood tests (one per day) and three scans. I'm on 300 iu Merional and 75 iu Puregon - a quite high doesage in total making 375 of stimulating drugs. I'm also still doing the suprefact down regulating injection. Today I had to inject myself 4 times! Two Puregon pen, one Merional, and one suprefact. My stomach is getting a little bruised.

At my clinic they don't really tell you how many follicles you have, although I asked my doctor the last time I went for a scan and he said, "a few one on side and a few on the other." Clear as mud. I guess I'll learn more at the scan and blood test tomorrow morning. It's quite a slog going in every single day, including the weekend.

I'm also still glugging away. I'm supposed to be on 3 litres of liquids a day but I'm probably on about 2 - including water, fruit tea and milk. It's not easy to drink so much when you already feel bloated. And you can't get a good night's sleep as you're always waking up to go to the loo.

Fiddly business

2008-08-13T12:47:00.000-07:00

This is my third day stimulating and it's fiddly and awkward. I have to do 225 iu of merional and 75 iu of puregon. There is still some puregon left in the pen from last time - but I've no idea how much as the dial says 0. But when you look inside it quite clearly has fluid in there. May just have to take it out and start afresh with a new cartridge, but I don't want to waste any. DH might know what to do.

I much prefer powders, vials and injections to the pen.

Each day I inject myself three times:

9:30am - suprefact 0.5 (down regulating injection)
Between 8:0pm and 10:00pm I have to inject Merional and then inject Puregon with the pen.

My stomach's starting to feel tender, as are my arms. Every day I have a blood test (and every other day an internal scan). I'm feeling exhausted already. AND I'm supposed to be drinking 3 litres of fluid per day - but I just can't muster up the enthusiasm for this. Last cycle I drank 4 litres per day and was very uncomfortable, spending most of the two weeks on the loo. Why did I have to drink so much if my body was immediately flushing it out as waste??

Doesn't make sense.

Knock me out

2008-08-11T13:39:00.000-07:00

This morning I had a hysteroscopy for no reason.

There was, apparently, a tiny, tiny piece of thing in my womb which was so small that... (and here the nurse who was speaking to me on the phone trailed off)...

Anyway, they measured the womb, sluiced it out with saline solution, and removed the microscopic bit of thing that was in there... and here I am. Fresh, clean, and ready for my embryos. Only I haven't made them yet.

But I'm on the case. This evening I did my first stimulating injection - 300iu of Merional straight in the stomach. Stung a bit, but psychologically it feels great. I'm on the final furlong and in sight of the finish line. In approximately two weeks I should be undergoing the joys of egg collection down in the dungeons of the ARGC.

As previously arranged, I met up with a girl who was having her eggs collected today and who sold me her spare Merional. I gave her £40 for 300iu (which I used tonight) and she threw in some large drawing up needles and a couple of syringes. Thank you, J.

I have to increase my fluid intake from now on but I'm NOT going mad and doing 4 litres per day as I did last cycle. That was over the top since I'm not at risk of OHSS, so I resolved to just do 2-3 litres (including fruit tea, hot chocs, and milk on cereal etc)

I've now been down regulating for 15 days, and AF has now all but dried up. I used the last of my sanitary protections the other day and caught myself thinking, "well I won't be bothering with those again for another 10 months," and then felt guilty for having such a posisitve thought. Why tempt fate? I hastily reasoned that it was more of a hope that a prediction.. (starting to go mad already).

AF here already??!!

2008-08-05T02:08:00.001-07:00

Well, after eleven days of down regulating it seems like AF has made an appearance on exactly the day she should, pretty much out of the blue. It's going like clockwork so far. Strange.

I don't have any great symptoms, just one hot flush the other day and feeling a bit tired... Otherwise you can't tell I'm in the menopause. :-<

I did the injection slightly wrong yesterday. When I went to stab it in, the hand holding it jerked and I stabbed the needle in an unexpected place at the very edge of the pinch of fat - almost into my other hand. It really stung, but I forced myself not to pull the needle out again as I'd only have to stab it back in again... I slowly pushed down the syringe so the liquid went in, but it was really painful. Made sure I was free from spasms this morning.

I'll have to call my clinic if AF really, really is here and it's not going to just stop in a few hours.

Fast response

2008-07-30T11:17:00.000-07:00

That was quick! This morning I received a prescription from a Dr. Omar in the post for two bottles of Suprefact. So now I'm all sorted for the next 19 days of down regulating - after which I'll need to source some more needles and syringes.

Saturated fat, life-saving, and incorrect prescriptions

2008-07-29T15:43:00.000-07:00

Tonight I went down to our local chip shop and ordered a kiddies cone (in a tray), covered them in vinegar, and then poured hot baked beans over them. Then I went home and ate a Kit Kat. I'm now thinking of eating some sugary Kellogg’s cereal.

Surely four injections of suprefact can't have affected my sensibilities that much?

On a more positive note, a certain online friend posted her spare needles and syringes off to me yesterday and I received them today. Life saver! I am so grateful because we made the decision to buy all our own drugs this cycle, as our clinic puts a massive mark-up on the price. We need to be as economical as possible this time round. I've now got 19 day's worth of needles and syringes left (and an incorrect prescription for buserelin nasal spray).

I don't think my consultant was engaging his brain when he wrote it out as I specifically stated the suprefact injection drug as I have an unpleasant reaction to sniffing buserelin. Remember last cycle I had to go to A&E at 2:00 in the morning with a swollen throat and impeded breathing? I'm not doing that again! Injections are fine if occasionally painful (like this morning's).

Anyway, I’m now waiting for a new prescription to arrive so we can get it from Ali’s chemist in Shadwell who do extremely economically priced fertility drugs. For example, they charge £15.50 for a bottle of Suprefact, whereas my clinic charges £60. Can you believe it?? What a racket.

It's all started again

2008-07-28T09:31:00.001-07:00

Yes! I'm off!!!

I starting down regulating two days ago with Suprefact injections. A friend gave me her spare Suprefact bottle and needles, and I have some left-over needles and syringes from last time so I'm set up for a few days. The doctor at my clinic wrote out the wrong prescription though (I can't have nasal sprays!) so I have to get him to change it - I guess I will phone tomorrow.

I'm buying all my own drugs this time in a bid to save money. My clinic does a massive mark-up on the drugs. :-(

I have to have a hysteroscopy on my last day of down regulating so they can take out that little bit of something that's in there before I start stims. I'm hoping it will come out naturally with the next bleed...

I'm feeling positive and excited that treatment has started once again. I'm on my way to another baby! We've decided not to do ICSI though because more and more I blame the procedure itself for my malformed baby. I think the acrania was due to the invasive ICSI. No conclusive proof, but research shows that ICSI is linked to some occurrences of cleft palate - a hole in the roof of the mouth. My baby had a hole in the roof of its head. A severe form of this spectrum of deformities.

At present we're debating the pros and cons of insisting on IVF. It's a risk but... if there's nothing particularly wrong with DH's sperm then why are we encouraged into ICSI?

Mid cycle scan

2008-07-22T09:00:00.000-07:00

I had my mid cycle scan which showed that there is a "little bit of something" still left in my womb - either from the miscarriage or a polyp has developed (nice). At first I almost cried out because it looked like a pregnancy sac! It couldn't have been though, because it's only DAY 13 of my cycle. I will probably have to have a hysteroscopy next before I start stims (although I haven't even started down regulating yet).

Also the blood test couldn't confirm that I'd ovulated (it was maybe too recent an event) so I need to do another blood test and have another scan in a few days time. No lead follicles could be seen on either ovary. I've either only just ovulated, or I haven't ovulated and am nowhere near ovulating. All messed up still. I guess being three months pregnant was a big deal for my body.

Still waiting...

Ok, it's fine. I'm happy AF is here now. Really.

2008-07-13T13:16:00.000-07:00

Yes, all is well. AF is here and that's a GOOD thing. Oh yes. I'm not complaining. I like AF. Hello lady. Welcome, welcome. Do your worst, I don't mind.

It turned out that I have to do a monitoring cycle first (again) so down regulation was never going to be this soon (I misunderstood the protocol). I have to wait another three weeks as if doing a cycle for the first time. They want to check my body's really over the pregnancy and I'm good to go for a fresh cycle.

I rang my clinic on DAY 1 and they asked me to come in for a hormone profile blood test the next day (DAY2). I got the results back in a few hours, and they were:

FSH - 5.9
LH - 3.6
Oestradiol - 146
Prolactin - 211

Altogether it's very positive - the numbers a very good (better than last time) - and I have a mid-cycle scan booked for 9 days time.

The monitoring cycle is up and running! I'm on the road again! I'm cycling! AT LAST. :-)

AF is here

2008-07-06T14:48:00.000-07:00

Again. Why?

It's 10 days since my last clot and 14 days since the major clot in the night.

I was supposed to be going into my clinic for the possible start of down regulation tomorrow. Doesn't look likely now.

More delays.

Aaaarrrgggghhh! So mant pitfalls on the IVF journey. I wish I'd known so I could have started this journey when I was 30, instead of 36. I'm 39 in a couple of weeks and still no baby to show for all my efforts.

I think of my little son often though. I wanted him, but he's not here.

The follow-up

2008-07-03T12:30:00.000-07:00

We were going to have a son.

My DH and I found out today. He was three months grown. A mini baby.

The follow-up appointment went well in the sense that the consultant was so professional, kind and supportive. He gave me a copy of the autopsy report and I could see that my baby had 12 ribs, a stomach, a tongue, a larynx, everything... but just no skull. My poor little boy. Why did you do this? Why did you not grow a skull, sweetheart?

The consultant said it was just pure bad luck, a shitty dice roll, no other reason. Chromosomal problems were ruled out, I had enough folic acid in me... just.. one of those quirks of nature that meant this little boy was not destined for life.

The moment we arrived home I phoned my clinic and told them I had ovulated and was ready to start down regulating. I have to go in on Monday for a blood test to confirm ovulation. Then I have to find somewhere to buy suprefact and some needles....

BRING IT ON!

At LAST!

2008-06-30T12:18:00.000-07:00

After nearly TWO WEEKS OF DIAHORREA it has finally dried up. I saw a properly formed little twig in the bowl this morning and was so pleased.

Also, after exactly TWO WEEKS OF AF it has finally tailed off. A snowy white surf board presented this morning so nothing more is coming out. I was doubly so pleased

Good God I've been through it a bit with my bum lately.

I have the follow-up after the miscarriage on Thursday. The post mortem will have been done, and we'll know all the information about the baby that we can, and whether it was a boy or girl. I will then phone my clinic and demand (in a nice way) to be put on Buserelin for down regulation during the tail end of this cycle (which could be anything from a week to 14 days away). I don't have the time/patience/good personality/sense to wait until the end of my next cycle (which could be anything between six and eight weeks away).

I'm not very good at waiting weeks.

Pharaoh's Revenge

2008-06-22T09:16:00.001-07:00

DH and I have got a stomach bug from Egypt. The holiday was fabulous... but somewhat diseased! We've both got uncontrollable diahorrea and stomach cramps which has been going on for three days now, so doctors for us tomorrow.

It's three days since we got back from holiday and a weird thing happened last night. I awoke at 2:00am feeling a pool of wet underneath me. I was mortified to think that I had had an diahorrea accident in my sleep without realising, but when I switched the light on I was lying in a small pool of blood. AF had finished two days ago so I was concerned about where it was coming from. I went to the loo and a clot came splashing out. Another one. But AF had finished up till then. I had to strip the bed and lie on the mattress for the rest of the night. I put on two surf boards (IYKWIM!) but this morning there was only blood on wiping. What in God's name is going on with my body?! I never had clots before this unsuccessful pregnancy and it's a bit worrying. Surely I should be over it by now? It must be nearly two months since the miscarriage..

A belated post from holiday

2008-06-22T09:00:00.000-07:00

Well, AF came on the plane going to Egypt. Cycle day 48.

OF COURSE. :-[ :-[ :-[

And it was there for the entire holiday, naturally.

At one point we went away from the resort where we were staying because DH was doing a dive in open water, and I said I'd come with to chat and put sun cream on his head in between dives. I'm standing chatting, leaning against a table watching while they're all suiting up in their diving gear when I get a funny feeling, like something rather gushing is leaking out of me down there...

I run to the public loos on the beach (luckily there is one) and a huge great clot comes cascading out, BANG, right there and then. My bikini is drenched in blood, I've stained the floor and my hands are messy. It looks like I've committed a murder - and I'm only wearing a bikini!!

Of course I have to rapidly wash the floor, bikini, and my hands and legs, but unfortunately there is a male cleaner in the ladies and he won't go away. I don't know why they won't let women work in Muslim countries, even cleaning ladies toilets, but there you go.

So I was standing in the dark cubicle (why were there no lights on?) sweating with fear and the 40 degree heat, wondering how to wash my bikini while wearing nothing on bottom half and not be seen by male attendant standing right there, AND stem the flow of the hideous full AF. I only had tampax with me (luckily I did pack some) but Jeez- I was so stressed!!

I waited for ages in the loo, sweating so much and trembling. He eventually went out and I rushed to wash out my bikini. Another lady came in but by now I was beyond caring. I managed to get the blood of the clothes but not my leg as I was so anxious not to be caught by the male attendant with a naked bottom half. I rushed back into the smelly, hot, dark cubicle and put on the soaking wet bikini but by now had started to overflow the second tampax I'd put in. Had to change again. I was just about to leave and wash my legs when the male attendant came back in. WHY?

I went and stood outside and he followed me out so I went back in the loos.. The bin where you put paper, which was empty when I first went in, was now full of tampax and toilet paper balls. I so hoped he hadn't noticed what was going on...

At least I washed everything, but from then on it would be impossible to tell if I was leaking again as my bikini was soaking wet. I just had to go out in the sun, and smile and pray.. Later when I checked it was al still ok, so thank God, I survived that awful moment.

All in all, I used up three tampons in half an hour. My poor body still obviously getting over things...

It wasn't

2008-06-11T06:42:00.000-07:00

I'm still confused and waiting and wondering. Each time I wipe there is staining, but when I look on my underwear there is nothing. Yet I have AF feelings in my womb which have been going on for more than a week now.

I don't know what's going on. It's CD 45 now. It's as if AF is trying to come, but can't actually make it. I go on holiday tomorrow for a week, so I'm taking all my stuff for a full AF but may not have to use it! However, I can't walk around in a bikini without protection just in case, as it's so almost here... I'm a bit frustrated and fed up with all this if the truth be told. It's like it's taking weeks for AF to fully arrive while hinting she may be here any second. Total limbo.

For Egypt I've packed:

seven dreses
six tops
two pairs of shorts
two bikinis
four skirts
1 pair of jeans
five pairs of shoes
a whole jewellery box
food
magazines
books
cards
camera
medicines and vitamins
sun glasses
toiletries
three bags
LOADS OF SANITARY PROTECTION

Hello, Auntie Flo, is that you?

2008-06-08T12:25:00.001-07:00

I think I may have started my AF. It is cycle day 42 and there was a little bleeding. This is significant as it was proper bleeding, but only a very small amount...

...too much information, right?

Well, you know I like to tell you everything.

We shall see tomorrow if it all kicks off good and proper.

ABOUT TIME.

I could be getting boring

2008-06-04T04:11:00.000-07:00

Today me and myself had this conversation:

"Yaaay, no AF yet... things are looking good for having conceived this month."

"You complete dodo. How can you think that? Your boobs don't hurt at all, and you have no symptoms - you've just had a miscarriage!"

"But women are sometimes very fertile after a miscarriage and I could be exceptionally lucky. Afterall, where is my AF?"

"Obviously delayed because the body is sorting things out. It will be here tomorrow."

"Then why all the AF pains and no AF? It's looking good for being pregnant - quite exciting. I'm never this late, ever."

"Duh - miscarriage. Stop being ridiculous/embarrassing - your boobs don't hurt and with every pregnancy without fail you've had sore boobs."

"So? Maybe this time it's different."

"I don't think so, dear."

"Ok, we'll see."

"Yes, we'll see."

"May as well do a test today then since you're not pregnant."

"NO WAY!!!!! Shut up."

Snowy white knickers

2008-06-03T13:36:00.000-07:00

No sign of AF. Snowy white knickers. (On the other hand, no "symptoms" either...) Doh... just have to continue waiting.

I had an appointment at the doctor's this afternoon about my itchy head (gross but true - apparently I had dermatitis). I also pretended that I'd come to ask how long is the average wait for an AF after a miscarriage, and when I said I hadn't had it yet, the doctor said, "ooh, you could be pregnant!"

And I just said, "look, please don't get my hopes up - it's probably the miscarriage delaying things and also a natural conception is not so likely..."

But for one split second I joined in her big smile and wide open eyes seeing the bright glimmer of possibility... then shut it down instantly in a deep, black coal bunker. How stupid to flirt with hope again - It's the miscarriage, that's all it is.

Maybe.

.

Questions, questions

2008-06-02T05:44:00.000-07:00

When will AF be here? How do you count cycle days after a miscarriage? Do you start counting from the actual day of the miscarriage, the day after, a week or two after the bleeding has started, or when the bleeding's stopped? As I am now on DAY 36 - which has never, ever happened to me before, I am wanting to know how to count (all my cycles are 28 days or less). And I’m desperately trying NOT, NOT, NOT to get ANY hopes up because; one, I have no symptoms, two, how could I be so lucky?, three, I don't even know how to count the days of my cycle, so I might not be on DAY 36 after all.

Today? No, not today.

2008-06-01T05:29:00.000-07:00

AF didn't arrive yet.

It's an awful kind of torture because the more it doesn't arrive the more I get my hopes up that a miracle conception has occurred. But also the more I tell myself not to be so stupid as there's no way a miracle will have occurred. I'm waiting for nothing.

If AF is coming then I want it now, if it's not coming then fine... there must be a good reason?

Yes, I just had a miscarriage at 3 months. Of course AF's going to be late. I don't know why I have any hope. I don't seem to be able to keep myself under control.

Hoping, hoping... waiting, waiting... Just gotta take my mind of it and do other things. If AF is not here by the time we go on holiday (10 days time) then... I will... have hope of something.

Trying to think of other things - yeah right!

2008-05-30T02:24:00.001-07:00

At the moment I'm battling with myself not to get hopeful. It's been 33 days since my miscarriage, and although I had The Clot two days after ovulation, DH and I did manage to 'do the right thing' at the right time. By my calculations AF is "due" on Sunday (in two days time). However, I don't have sore boobs at all, and before every AF I get sore boobs (I also get them before pregnancies as well). I'm fighting with myself not to think I could be pregnant. It's really, really unlikely because I'm not sure I actually caught ovulation in the first place - and every other time for 18 months I did catch ovulation and there was no pregnancy, so why should it miraculously work this time, a few weeks after a miscarriage? I need to force myself to not get my hopes up.

It's difficult as it's something I so wish for and I'm always kidding myself it's going to work and it never does... (although once I got a natural chemical pregnancy) but... so... I have to get on with my life and not think about it if at all possible. However. If there's been no sign of AF before we leave for Egypt in two weeks I am doing a test.

Start - Stop

2008-05-24T12:23:00.000-07:00

Well it all stopped as suddenly as it started. Now back to a slight brown gunge as before. How nice. When is that going to stop? I have no idea what my body's up to, or when AF is due next, and now I'm doubting that I really ovulated. when I thought I did... I don't think there's any chance of us having been able to conceive naturally this month for so many reasons, but it doesn't matter. There is always next month, then after that - treatment!!

Just trying to get on with my life and not wish the days away. So I do things like:

* visit friends
* go to the cinema
* do gardening
* argue with DH
* surf the net
* read books
* cook food
* sort out the house
* go for walks
* make lists

Big clot sudenly shows up

2008-05-21T06:21:00.000-07:00

Something worrying just happened. I felt some stomach pains and some substance coming from youknowwhere, so I hurried to the loo and a great big clot fell out and quite a lot of bleeding. I looked, as I wasn’t expecting a plop and splash from that department, and saw a lump in the bottom of the loo. Since about a week ago I have stopped bleeding, just getting some gunge (IYKWIM) … and then this suddenly happened out of the blue. As you know, I was even ovulating and doing some BMS (Baby Making Sex) in the hope that.. you know....

Not going to happen now.

But what does this clot mean? It is 3.5 weeks since the miscarriage. Is it still from that, or is it next AF, or.... what's going on?? Silly body.

I think it is something left over from the miscarriage finally coming out.

The surge is here

2008-05-21T02:47:00.000-07:00

I think I got my LH surge yesterday (if I read the stick right and didn't imagine it), so presumably I will ovulate today or tomorrow. DH and I did what needed to be done, so I feel happy about that. I, of course, hadn't told him I was POAS so I just knew myself, and that night I put on my silkiest, smoothest negligee that I know he likes and slithered into bed... RESULT!

Job done.

We will repeat the process tonight as well and see where that gets us in two weeks. I doubt that it will do ANYTHING because:

* the sperm has to be good (no chromosomal abnormailties)
* the egg has to be good (no chromosomal defects)
* the sperm has to pass through the cervix and swim up to the egg
* the egg has to stay alive long enough
* the sperm has to stay alive long enough
* fertilisation has to happen
* the endometrium (lining) has to be thick enough
* implantation has to happen

All these things have to happen perfectly for me to fall pregnant, and the truth is I'm still spotting (and other things) from the miscarriage, which was just under three weeks ago. Logically speaking I think it's *incredibly* unlikely to happen. But having said that, the chances of us having a baby with acrania was very unlikely - and we got it. So I know we can be highly unlucky when it comes to bad luck, now, please, fate, make us highly lucky when it comes to good luck. WHY THE HELL NOT???

Evil plan in action

2008-05-19T05:50:00.000-07:00

I secretly peed on a stick on Saturday and to my great surprise it showed that I was about to ovulate (even though I am still dealing with the aftermath of the miscarraige, which was 3 weeks ago yesterday). So on Saturday night DH and I got down to business without him knowing it was a significant time. I managed to seduce him unsucpiciously I guess! :-D

I don't want him to have any pressure in relation to trying to conceive because I know it puts him off a bit.

But I can't keep a secret, so yesterday I told him that I got my surge the day before, and he said, "well we'd better youknowwhat again tonight!" I was so proud of him. Bit of a struggle but we finished the job.

So here's hoping that in two weeks time, or so... there coud be some good news.

I think it's unlikely as I doubt there would be any lining in there, even if by some miracle a healthy conception occurred. Most likey to get my AF in early June.

However, you never know. I never give up hoping...

Results of blood letting

2008-05-17T08:40:00.000-07:00

I wish I was still pregnant.

But let’s hope next cycle works.

It's all I can think about at the moment. I'm trying to have some other forms of conversation that don't involve me trying to get pregnant. You don't want to bore everyone around you. I keep turning the pages in my diary until our possible next treatment and it seems like such a great many weeks... And then I think, "God, I'm wishing my life away; this isn't right!" But that attitude only lasts ten minutes and I'm thinking about treatment again. I'm obsessed.

Blood results
--------------------

The (local) doctor told me that my haemoglobin was 11.6 (a little on the low side) but I didn’t appear to have any infection, and I had a high amount of folic acid in my system. I have been taking iron tablets every day since the miscarriage, for the first few days I tok them twice a day to try and get my red blood cell count up.

But basically all’s well with my blood work. No serious problems turned up.

I AM READY TO START AGAIN.

Will POAS for the first time tomorrow afternoon, secretly. Not telling DH that I'm monitoring when I ovulate in order to keep any anxiety and feelings of pressure away from him.

Detox regime begins

2008-05-16T10:01:00.000-07:00

We had our follow-up appointment at the ARGC and our doctor was lovely as usual. He agreed that on the 1st day of my July AF I will call them and we will start a fresh LP cycle for ICSI again.

He gave us such hope, saying that because I already got pregnant there is not too much to worry about... No-one can say why our baby developed this extreme neurla tube abnormality. Our doctor didn't offer any fresh ideas (I think the consultants at the Rosie will know more as they will have the results from the post mortem).. but he was positive and seemed happy for me to do a full cycle again. He actually recommended it as we only have one frostie and it's not really worth doing a FET with just one to hope for...

So, in conclusion, two months till I cycle again! Hoooraaaaayy!!!! (I am not going to be using any face cream though!)

We have started a serious detox regime:

* no alcohol
* no caffeine
* no tea or fizzy drinks
* folic acid + vits daily (me) - in the form of pregnacare plus
* Vits for DH - in the form of Wellman
* Omega 3, 6, 9 supplements
* Co-enzyme Q10

+ plenty of fresh fruit and veg and a good amount of exercise.

What more can we do?

By Christmas...

2008-05-15T04:40:00.000-07:00

I was thinking about Christmas yesterday, thinking, it's going to be ok as I'll be heavily pregnant by then... and then I realised there was no chance of that - at most I'll be three months again - back where I was.

That's the SCARY thing about TTC - when you're around 40 time seems to really fly by - just what you don't want. I am 39 in two months and I very strongly feel it's a race against time. I know many ladies have babies in their 40s - but I worry about my egg quality. We got 13 last time but only 4 fertilised. That's not a great record. I just don't want that to get worse. I'm not looking forward to all the injecting and the horror of the 2ww but... there's no other way. I can't afford to wait and try for a couple of years.

So we're trying to organise things to take our mind off time passing while time passes.

We spend a lot of time simply waiting for something to happen when TTC. I guess I'm now waiting for ovulation (which may not happen) and then waiting for AF, which may be late due to the miscarriage, and then hoping I can start another treatment, but if not, waiting for ovulation and AF again - and already that's two more months gone by...

It's fatal to think like this because before you know it a couple of years have passed and all you've thought about is trying to conceive. And we should be enjoying other things too. I am though. Looking forward to our holiday in Egypt in 28 days time. Theatre tickets booked for several days. Blah blah... I want to conceive NOW though! LOL It's all I think about.

Maybe I'll start a new business?

I can guess I'm not alone in thinking these thoughts.

E-mail reply from Dr. Tony Chu

2008-05-14T07:33:00.000-07:00

Dear X,

I am sorry to hear about your last pregnancy. No - I do not think it has anything to do with the Boots cream - in the program I said that the Boots cream did not have enough of the pro vitamin A to cause problems, which is why they had no health warning.

Good luck with the next,

Tony Chu

Vitamin A & my baby - shocking research

2008-05-12T13:56:00.000-07:00

Something really weird and scary has just happened.

I watched the Dispatches programme on Channel 4 at 8:00pm tonight (Monday) and Dr. Anthony Chu, a dermatologist from Hammersmith hospital, said that you "cannot get pregnant" when using Boots No. 7 'Protect and perfect' skin cream as it will damage the growing baby. I haven't quoted the whole sentence because I can't remember his exact words - but I remember the word "cannot" very clearly.

I have used this cream every single day for the last eight months, and I'm very shocked.

How could he say this? Could it be true?

How can the fact that I used some face cream have damaged my baby?

I need more information - how can I get it?

I have just e-mailed Dr. Chu himself (after a bit of research on the internet for his e-mail). He seemed very credible and believable, yet his claim was shocking! And it was announced on 'Dispatches' just now. How could he say that if he wasn't sure - he is an expert in these things..

I must admit I was utterly amazed that a topical cream could cause a baby to grow abnormally.

Mind you, I also used some very strong creams on my head to get rid of a kind of infection. This is what's driving me a bit crazy. I was using, altogether, three powerful creams on my actually scalp and face - and my baby's head grew wrongly. Could I...? Could it..? I always wondered. And now it's been announced on a TV documentary by a specialist doctor.

I just did some research and found out:

"Toxic effects of vitamin A have been shown to significantly affect developing foetuses. Therapeutic doses used for acne treatment have been shown to disrupt cephalic neural cell activity. The foetus is particularly sensitive to vitamin A toxicity during the period of organogenesis."

My baby had a neural tube deformity. I was treating a condition on my head and face with powerful creams, one of which has a substance that causes the body to produce large amounts of vitamin A.

It could be chance, or it could be cause and effect. Whichever it is, my Boots 'Protect and Perfect, cream is going in the bin.

Life goes on - trying to lose a bit of IVF weight

2008-05-12T13:20:00.000-07:00

I am taking jogs outside (in this nice weather), playing badminton, and eating more healthily, but so far - no weight loss. Thighs still IVF size - stomach now looks 3 months pregnant again. It went down flat for one day (after the birth) but I think that was because I hadn't eaten anything, and had been to the loo lots out of fear (had constipation up till then because of pregnancy/cyclogest etc) but now as I'm taking iron tablets I think the constipation is back - and so is the stomach! Oh it's all so complicated..

Back to waiting

2008-05-10T04:18:00.001-07:00

I have been bleeding for 12 days solid now (not including the day of the birth). It’s getting boring! :-D AF’s got to end at some point.. I wonder if I will ovulate this month…?

I'm taking iron tablets to counteract any anaemia I might have, and on the first few days of bleeding I took two a day (and made sure to eat lots of prunes and seedless grapes too!).

I had a blood test a couple of days ago to see if I test positive for MTHFR Homozygous - a gene that means you're almost unable to metabolise folic acid. Women who have given birth to babies with Spina Bifida should have this blood test - our poor, lovely baby had the most extreme form of Spina Bifida and all the consultants and midwives I saw asked if I had been taking folic acid. Which of course I had, for one year or more prior to conception... The cause is a mystery still.

A follow up with my clinic in a few days might help us set a firm date for trying again. I hope it will be July or before. I doubt it will be next month though, as I'm still bleeding. :-(

Moving on?

2008-05-09T01:58:00.000-07:00

Went for a jog, did some gardening, cleared out the car, had a shower, cried.

The crying is getting less frequent these days. I feel I’m getting stronger by the day now.

Very much looking forward to getting pregnant again as quickly as possible. If possible.

Evil plan

2008-05-07T05:12:00.000-07:00

My arms are still bruised green and yellow from where they inserted the morphine tube during the birth. I had a terrible headache yesterday but thankfully that's gone today. I think I’m getting symptoms of massively decreasing hormones etc..)

I've decided on my own that we're going to try again, (naturally, so there isn't a great deal of hope) THIS MONTH - now, as soon as I've finished bleeding - if that ever happens! I'm going to be secretly using ovulation pee sticks without telling DH and then just act casual, but a little bit horny around the right time (no legs up the wall or pillow under the bum or anything, just as if nothing out of the ordinary.). Going to try and act as if nothing's going on.

It's a fantastic evil plan - but I think DH might guess and feel pressurised. I hope not..

Slowly picking up the pieces

2008-05-07T05:08:00.000-07:00

Miscarriage is truly hideous. The physical pain, the emotional torment, the deep devastating sadness... :'( A post mortem might give us more answers, and follow-up consultations will help us decide what's next. We will find out the sex of the baby... which will be a tough moment.

How I wish... it had been different. It's so strange not being pregnant, suddenly.

However, we must pick ourselves up, slowly, after grieving, and we will start again. I plan to try naturally this very month (I've heard women are very fertile after miscarriage) and we are planning a full ICSI cycle again in June or July. It hasn't even been a week since we got the bad news. Last Thursday I was happily pregnant, and last Friday I saw my baby on the screen, heart beating away and arms and legs moving merrily. We had a terrible blow, but we must mend and continue as we can.

We will find strength and try again, and WE WILL BE PREGNANT ONCE MORE.

We mustn't give up on our dreams of having a child together and completing our family. It's not too late.

Hello AF

2008-05-05T01:11:00.000-07:00

I now have big fat, aching AF. Painful and heavy, but that's to be expected.

I would have been 12 weeks today. We were so looking forward to reaching this milestone, and we'd even planned a little celebration as we thought it was 'home and dry' if you reach 12 weeks. That's not even correct I now realise, and you're not 'home and dry' until the baby's born! I think the guy upstairs wanted me to go through one more summer of slimness and enjoying the wine before a winter of pregnancy. I think it will be good to be pregnant in winter rather than summer.

I miss my baby.

From Mummy

2008-05-04T08:01:00.001-07:00

For you

2008-05-04T07:57:00.001-07:00

Baby who I loved.

This blog was for you.
I was going to show it to you when you were older. Show you how much I wanted you.
I loved you so much, and I only knew you for three months.
I don't understand why you had to leave and it gives me a headache to think about it.
I still love you very much.

I guess sometimes you simply don't get to choose what happens.

So sad - deep loss

2008-05-04T07:51:00.000-07:00

I gave birth day yesterday, at 11 weeks, 3 days at 2:30pm in Addenbrookes hospital, after a five hour labour (with morphine for the last hour - thank goodness). At a routine scan we were told that the baby had acrania, a severe form of spina bifida. Generally, the baby was completely fine, except it didn't grow a skull.

We saw it sitting in my womb, heart beating away, legs and arms moving merrily around, and I loved it so badly... but the sonographer showed us that there was no skull... and this is incompatible with life. We HAD to terminate. In hospital I was given tablets to induce womb contractions so my body could expel the baby and placenta etc naturally. I had a five hour labour, and at the end had to use morphine as it was so painful, but eventually, after my waters broke, my little baby came slithering out and rested hot and small against my thigh. Thank God there was no movement. There was nothing, nothing I could do. I requested not to see it as it would have been too distressing. My husband, daughter, and mother were all there and supported me so nicely, but nothing at all eases the devastating emotional pain we feel when we’re forced to terminate a pregnancy we want so much.

I miss my baby. My bump has gone, spots disappeared, and nausea vanished. I wish to God that I still had all those horrible symptoms and was pregnant with a healthy baby, but... it was not meant to be. We have to be strong and somehow accept what happened.

My darling husband and I have booked a holiday to Egypt so we can completely get away. We also have a couple of follow up appointments with consultants to attend that might help us feel more positive. We are going to try again as soon as we can. We’ll also find out if the baby was a girl or boy, and if everything else was fine or if there were any other problems.

It feels very strange suddenly not being pregnant after the last three months. My stomach's gone right down and I don't feel nauseas, and I can 'feel' there is nothing there. It's just me, alone, not me plus…

Oh well. I will phone my clinic, the ARGC, and let them know what’s happened. I’ll also ask if I can start treatment (a full IVF/ICSI cycle) in June or July, preferably June. The sooner the better as far as we’re concerned.

If it works this next time I will be having the child two months before my 40th birthday. I do feel time is of the essence and I can't hang around. It’s so important to us to have a baby together and make our family complete. I have so much love to give.

Goodbye baby

2008-05-02T01:47:00.001-07:00

I loved you.

Why?

2008-05-02T01:43:00.000-07:00

Thank you for your kind comments and sympathy. We are completely heartbroken and frightened. I just can't find the words... It's such a bolt from the blue. Everything was going fine. We thought everything was just fine. But... no skull. Oh baby, baby, why didn't you grow a skull?? :-( :-( :-( We wanted you so much, and we thought we had you. We nearly bought clothes and a buggy for you... Oh.. it's horrible I'm going to have to push you out of my body when I don't want to. I love you I don't want to get rid of you. But you are not meant to live.

Why? Why?

I'm so terrified of tomorrow.

Devastating News

2008-05-01T02:01:00.001-07:00

It is with deep, deep sadness that I have to tell you that during the (NHS) scan this morning, our baby was found to not have developed a skull (this condition is called acrania - an extreme form of spina bifida). Everything else is there and working perfectly, the brain is fully formed, and it has all its organs, but the top half of the skull is simply not there, and never will be, so there is no hope for it. It is a fatal condition, sadly. Poor little thing. I've already taken a pill this afternoon to induce the birth, so I hope it will be all over within a few hours. Unfortunately I have to go to the labour ward, but we can cope as we've sobbed for most of the day and have now accepted this hideous sadness.

But we're not giving up. I know many girls have had treatment so many times, so to work first time is a bit lucky... And we have been offered a post mortem which we gladly accepted so they can tell us if there are any other abnormalities. I'm very sad and upset for my baby and for my husband. But we will survive and continue on strong afterwards.

Discharge - no, not that kind...

2008-04-29T09:53:00.000-07:00

My clinic, the ARGC, have discharged me, so no more scans or blood tests. I'm still on the clexane and cyclogest with no instructions when to stop. Guess I'll just stop when I feel like it?? I have an appointment with a midwife next Friday so I guess I'll ask then about the nuchal.

I still feel sick every day all day (sometimes so strongly in the night after I've got up to go to the loo, I have a psychological battle to keep the water I've drunk down.) I also seem to be getting pregnancy-induced acne - not a nice sight

I remember that when I was pregnant with my daughter I DID NOT BLOOM, but looked more and more disgusting as the pregnancy progressed: very spotty with dry, red, skin, brown, greasy hair, and of course, I put on 3 stone on my bum and thighs (with a tiny amount on my stomach)! I think I'm following the same patter this time even though it was 16 years ago. My body remembers how to be really ugly!

Oh well. It's definitely worth it. :)

The scans at the ARGC were really poor quality. I could only really see white dots in a black background and I didn't see the heartbeat except for the first time weeks ago. The other times were so quick and rushed that I couldn't see anything.

We have decided to book a nuchal at the FMC as we are soon to be 12 weeks - big milestone - so celebrations are definitely on the cards if all goes well. And why wouldn't it?! My baby is doing fine and I am so happy to be pregnant. Just wish I could stop this horrendous nausea though..

Our next apointment is at the Rosie hospital in Addenbrookes where we've got a booking in appointment with the midwife. My DH wants me to give birth in the place that he feels is the best in the area.

Sea sickness bands are a waste of money!

2008-04-29T09:51:00.000-07:00

I bought sea sickness bands (available from supermarkets and chemists) that work on acupressure. If you believe in this sort of thing it may help you, but as usual with me, anything that isn't scientific cause and effect is useless and they don't work. A total waste of £7.50! But others say it does help them so you never know. If you have found accupuncture helpful then you may also get success with this. I can really sympathise with you as there's no respite from the nausea is there? Whatever you do makes you feel sick! It's gross. I feel sick now, as I'm typing, although I know I won't actually be sick. I've just eaten a large meal (aduki beans cooked with lemon juice, courgettes, celery, onions and garlic, and dressed with plain yoghurt). It was lovely and I didn't feel sick while eating it, but I felt sick just before and I feel sick straight afterwards. It's a horrible feeling and makes me want to curl up in bed all day and night.

Still feeling sick - avoiding computers

2008-04-29T09:50:00.001-07:00

Hi – a quick hello from me as I've been absent for a few days. Just the thought of coming on the computer makes me feel sick so I've been avoiding. it. Some kind of psychological linking between going on the computer and feeling nauseous. But everything makes me feel sick these days, particularly sitting in my office! I'm very sensitive to smells and I don't like the aroma in my office any more. It's smells like old lillies and I really hate it in here. Not been on the computer much as a consequence.

A positive scan at my clinic today showed the baby was the right size and the heartbeat was going nicely. I'm now discharged from my clinic with the next milestone being the nuchal scan (which I think is done on the NHS). I’m still stabbing myself with clexane injections and shoving bum bullets in twice a day. Can’t wait for all that to finish. I saw the placenta about to form so after 12 weeks, when it’s properly there I guess I can stop all this other stuff and let it take over fully. I should stop feeling nauseas then.. fingers crossed.

Feeling Bad

2008-04-28T11:43:00.001-07:00

Can't spend much time online just now as have permanent pounding headaches and feel sick all the time. Bit grim. I really can't wait to move onto the second trimester at 13 weeks and get this awful first part over with safely.

Telling Everyone

2008-04-28T11:41:00.000-07:00

Last night I went to badminton for the first time in 2 months and that seemed to do much better - didn't feel sick once in an hour and a half. As I'm a blabermouth I told everyone I'm two months pregnant so they don't expect me to lunge aggressively etc and can be lenient on me! Doctor said badminton was absolutely fine... still bit dubious though, but I certainly felt better while doing it and afterwards. Scan on Friday will confirm everything is still ok. However I do have really bad stomach aches on and off all day and agonising boob pains in the night. Pregnancy at 38 is a lot more painful than pregnancy at 22! However, I didn't have any drugs then and now I'm on these suppositories so maybe they can answer for some of the discomfort. I will tell my doctor about all my stomach pains at the scan. Hope everything's still ok with it all and the heartbeat is still pumping as it was last week.

Eating sherbert lemons (and sherbert fruits) is doing good things for the morning suckness but probably not so good for my stomach or teeth! Oh well. Might have a sandwich in a minute as eating often makes me feel better too. I also nibble on crisps (healthy Kettle Chips version).

Nausea

2008-04-28T11:40:00.001-07:00

I feel roughly the same level of nausea all day long, but it gets a bit better after I've eaten something - even if it's something small. Yesterday I ate pieces of toast, lumps of cheese, a small portion of chips and baked beans, a sandwich, home made pasta and cheese sauce with green beans, a yoghurt, some cottage cheese, a brazil nut, a piece of chocolate, and two dried apricots. I do this kind of thing almost every day and I'm really putting on weight. I don't want to eat so much but I don't like the nausea and eating can give me temporary relief.

Bleurgh...

2008-04-28T10:36:00.001-07:00

Felt sick most of the day and have a slight headache. I also feel bloated as if there’s something large in my stomach – which is swollen and cumbersome. I have also developed an itchy rash on my head and am getting sores down below. Not nice.

It's HUGE

2008-04-28T10:35:00.000-07:00

I had my scan, and before we went in I was so nervous... My consultant asked me how far gone I was, and I said 7 weeks, 1 day (as I know exactly) and he said, "no, no, you are 4 weeks and....." and I said "WHAT?! Egg collection was on Wednesday 20th February..." But he said, "you don't count it from egg collection... give me a moment please...." and there was a pause with me horrified, waiting for some bad news... and then he announced, "oh yes, ok, yes, you're seven weeks."

Then, when I was on the bed and the dildocam up where it goes he said, "that's huge." We obviously asked, "what's huge?" and he said it was the baby. The scan revealed a large baby with a strong and adorable, beating heart. I was immediately smitten and bowled over with amazement and awe! We had wondered if it was going to be twins because of the high HCG numbers etc, but there was only one, and no evidence at all of another one - so it didn't even implant. There was only ever one. Thank God, though, it all seems fine.

One possibly stupid questions though... is it a sign that someonthing's not right if the baby is big, or is it to do with proportion of head to body? I just thought I read somewhere that big was not good... but I'm not believing myself as I'm sure I'm just searching for bad news to unconsciously prepare me for the worst. It's probably not true and that fact that it's "huge" in the consultant's words is ok. Right?

I admit we were a bit stressed after all this and my DH came out of the scan room with a blinding headache. I have a cold and feel horrid anyway, but I had a big grin on my face as the baby is there and has and strongly beating heart.... er ... and is "huge"!

Complications and constipation

2008-04-28T10:34:00.001-07:00

I've been a bit quiet lately. One of the girls who I get on with very well and who I've cycled with twice is exactly one week ahead of me. She's been suffering from dreadful morning sickness, so bad that she couldn't even swallow her own saliva. I couldn't stop thinking of her. She had to be hospitalised for fluids (she's 8 weeks today). But yesterday she texted to say that she'd had pains over the weekend and then started bleeding. An emergency scan showed the baby had stopped bleeding and there was no more heartbeat. It's just so awful. You just don't know what's round the corner. Everything was going fine until she went into hospital to have treatment for the ms (but she did have to as it was so bad).

Yes, I was supposed to have my scan today but DH noticed a very important meeting he'd forgotten about exactly at the time of the scan and as he insists on being there to see his baby for the first time, I had to change the scan to tomorrow morning. I was a bit annoyed at first but then I though, well, only one more day - doesn't do any harm... I was just a little disappointed.

I hope everything's ok with me. I still have constipation and very slight nausea rarely, if I haven't eaten for a while but that's about it. Oh and sore boobs. The HCG testing stopped which was a relief, but after it's gone you realise just how much reassurance you were getting from it! Haven't had a blood test for a week and am just hoping everything's ok. I think it must be because there is no sign to suggest anything's wrong, so I am taking it as good. :)

Being Pregnant

2008-04-28T10:32:00.000-07:00

To keep up my fluids, stay hydrated, and ward off constipation I recently drank loads of Schloer until I realised it had rather a lot of sugar in it. Then I moved on to Appltiser because this is just carbonated apple juice and no sugar added, now I'm on juice from concentrate as it's not as strong as the fresh stuff and is more like flavoured water. The juice I'm drinking at the moment is white grape, pomegranate, and raspberry - nearly polished off a litre today.

I do need to get some lactulose though as I don't want to strain on the toilet. With all this progesterone suppositories plus pregnancy it's making it very difficult to have a normal bowel movement! Apparently lactulose is great for this and safe to use during pregnancy.

I'm eating LOADS of carbohydrates - potatoes, rice, pasta (but all wholemeal) and lots of fruit and veg. I'm also eating iron tablets and folic acid supplements along with omegas 3, 6, and 9. Generally I'm very happy with my diet, but because of the progesterone and the pregnancy I still have quite bad constipation.

Waking up this morning I was so miserable with a bleeding nose, a painful stomach, desperate for the loo, and feeling sick.

Still rising... starting to believe...

2008-04-14T10:04:00.002-07:00

I went for a blood test this morning and the nurse on the phone this afternoon told me that my levels have shot up again to 17, 565, and that's the end of the regular blood tests!!! Hoooooraaayyyyyy!!! At last. Scan booked for next Wednesday when I will see my baby(ies) for the first time.

I think I’m allowing myself to relax a little now, and really believe. I feel like I've been holding my breath for the last two weeks and can slowly dare to let it come out...

Rising Levels

2008-04-14T10:04:00.001-07:00

I went to have my blood tested this morning, and this afternoon got a call saying that my bHCG levels had risen to 7,874, which is more than double what it was three days ago (3,413). It's so reassuring to know that my pregnancy is going well and progressing as it should. What a nightmare to have just done your test and then have to wait for the six weeks scan hoping... and not knowing for sure... analysing every twinge and feeling of sickness etc...