My darling babies

Freddy

Genevieve

The twins have arrived

As you know, I had planned an elective caesarean for the babies’ birth on 8th May… but in the end I had an emergency section at 4:00am on 29th April 2009.

My waters broke spontaneously at 1:00am after I’d got up to go to the loo, so we drove speedily to hospital where they decided to do an emergency caesarean straight away. I was 37 weeks and two days pregnant – just full term for twins.

I am not a fan of vaginal deliveries, after a hideous experience with my daughter 17 years ago, but now I'm not a fan of c-sections either! The drugs made me feel really unwell (although it was a completely painless birth). I was sick afterwards and couldn't stop shaking. I felt so bad that I was not interested in the babies, although my husband was crying and gasping in amazement and trying to get me to look at them. All I could do was concentrate on not vomiting and telling the anaesthetist my throat was closing up etc etc.

All together the birth took fifteen minutes for both babies, but then another forty-five for me to be sewed up again afterwards. However, I felt no pain at all. (I was just sick and ill)

The beautiful Freddy, “twin 1”, was born at 4:14am weighing 5.8 lb, and the lovely Genevieve, “twin 2”, a minute later at 4:15am, weighing 6.4 lb. She had a little difficulty breathing and was given oxygen for four hours, but no interventive action was taken and they were both taken with me at 9:15am to the ward (I had my own room).

From then on it was lovely. My babies are a true delight and I am so, so in love. I was up and walking within 15 hours of the op, my catheter was taken out (completely painlessly) within the same time frame and I was back home with two healthy babies two days after giving birth. Clever me. I'm very pleased to say there are no bad effects of the caesarean at all - the scar doesn't hurt. My stomach feels fine and I don’t take pain killers. (I stopped them two days after the op). If I had to do it again I was go for a c-section again but I'm not saying it was pleasant. In fact, it was thoroughly unpleasant and horrible, but... in my experience there is no nice way of getting the babies out.

My pelvic floor is completely intact and undamaged - another advantage. My lady bits are still as tight as they always were, and no tears down there. Also, it was nice that I have hardly bled (they get most of it out at the op). I had heavy bleeding for two days or so, but nothing significant and now it's just like a medium period. Sometimes I don't bleed for half a day.

The babies are a bit jaundiced but not so badly they need treatment. They just look at tad Homer Simpson!

But OH they are so adorable. I can't stop looking at them, and loving them. I kiss their little feet and blow hot air on their toes. I gaze into their eyes and tell them I'm their mummy and I would die for them. I love them so much it hurts. I am so happy to have twins. I feel like I've won the lottery.

A pic of my 35 week bump

This was me a week ago. I'm even bigger now as babies are putting on fat stores like there's no tomorrow.

Suffering now

36 weeks, one day.

I am deeply uncomfortable now. I think I’ve had the worst night yet. Lying on my right side is barely possible due to shooting, stabbing pains in my left ribs. In addition, unless my arm is down the blood is cut off from my hand for some reason, even though there’s nothing pressing on it and I get dreadful pins and needles. However I have to change position because my hips and legs get a deep, painful, bone ache in them every hour or two and the only way to stop it is to turn over. Lying on my back is not possible as the babies weigh too much and cause pain to the internal organs and prevent proper breathing. But the other awkward thing is that my nose and throat are completely congested most of the time and I can only breathe through one nostril, but have to cough and clear my throat fairly often. It’s very difficult to shift the catarrh as it’s so internal and quite thick.

For some reason last night my womb was doing small contractions and the skin across my stomach is so taught that it really hurts now. Even just a sheet brushing against it can be gaspingly painful. I can’t get much sleep and usually wake feeling exhausted and tearful (whilst battling to breathe through the gunge).

Today I also have a stomach ache as if I’m really hungry, but don’t want to eat because I feel sick. Don’t know what’s going on, but I feel physically attacked by numerous petty annoyances and pains from every angle. It’s very difficult to cope and I really want these babies out so I can be free from all this pain.

My caesarean is booked for ten days’ time, thank the Lord. However I’d prefer it if it were today.

Boy these last couple of weeks are tough, although I remember the constant nausea of the first three months and still think that was worse. Pain is one thing but nausea is truly hideous, and in my first trimester I was nauseous for weeks on end every minute of every day and it is the ultimate horror.

32 weeks

32 weeks, 3 days

I am really big now. I have a huge bump where my flat stomach used to be. I have meaty, sturdy thighs, and very rounded hips. Also my boobs have tripled in size. This all makes everyday living quite a struggle sometimes. Putting shoes and socks on. Washing various places in the shower. Shaving legs. Turning over in bed. Getting up from a seated position. All of these activities require some effort and discomfort.

My pregnancy symptoms (complaints?) are:

• The weight of the babies leading to difficulty getting around
• Breathlessness
• Disturbed sleep
• Permanently blocked nose
• Anaemia
• Constipation (due to taking three iron tablets per day)
• Swollen ankles
• General pain and discomfort on sitting or moving or doing anything
• Feeling like I need the loo frequently
• Heartburn
• Exhaustion

We had our 32 week scan yesterday and were told that both babies weigh approximately 4 lb each. In total that makes 8lb of baby weight alone - but that's more than Saskia was at full term - and I still have six weeks to go! Sometimes I feel as if I might burst or pop or just become too heavy to carry myself around or breathe properly.

The caesarean is now booked for 1st May, although that seems such a long way off... But at least I don't have any of the serious complications of third trimester pregnancy - just niggling discomforts.

Our names choices are now as follows:

Boys
Mallory , Fabian, Frank, Nathan, Rafi, Jerome, Alec, Giles, Frederick (Fred)

Girls
Rosa, Zoe, Tara, Genevieve, Hazel, Milla, Dana, Tamsin, Matilda, Madison, Georgette

26 weeks double bump

This is a picture of my bump two weeks ago. Apparently I expand my 1cm every week from now on...

Into the third trimester

28 weeks, 1 day

This is the second day of being in my third trimester! I'm so pleased and happy to be here. If something goes wrong and the babies are born now they have a 90% chance of survival. Nothing's going to go wrong though.

My pregnancy is running fairly smoothly. I've had a bit of a struggle with anaemia over the last month but it seems to be improving now. I'm on 3 x ferrous sulphate tablets every day, plus 1 x 5mg folic acid. I also take omega-3 tablets, and make sure I eat things that contain iron, such as dried apricots, leafy greens, dried peaches, etc. At one point my haemoglobin went down to 9.7, which is pretty anaemic, but after taking all the precautions described above I'm now back up to 10.4 and rising, so it's much better.

My main battle ground is The Bed. When I look at it I know I'm going to have a night of battle: fighting the pillows to get in a comfortable position so that my hips are not in agony. Getting up and going to the loo a few times and re-fighting the pillows to get comfortable again (all the while ignoring the cat and her demands either to be let out or to be fed). And also it's a right struggle to breathe. My nose is either so blocked I can't get enough air in and have to pant through my mouth, or, my lungs don't seem to take in enough air even if my nose is free. I'm constantly moving and turning and fidgeting and trying to get in a position so I can breathe and be pain-free enough to sleep.

Last weekend we constructed the nursery in the largest spare room: 2 cots, a changing station, a rocking chair, all the little clothes in the cupboard, the nappies stock-piled and bottles and sterilising unit all arranged. We've bought the car seats, double buggy and moses baskets, so we're pretty much there. Just a few more small things to get (newborn baby head rests for the buggy, perhaps some more moses basket sheets).

22 weeks twin bump

I am very proud of my bump. I feel both babies move around every day and night. It's lovely. I smile when I feel them, and tell them I love them. (And yet all along there is a threatening, terrifying cloud of fear in the background that something could go wrong. I wish I could just enjoy this pregnancy without catastrophising, prediciting disaster and hideous complications.)

20 week anomoly scan

Our scan went very well. The babies are developing as they should; no problems detected. But the sonographer was not very good - she kept asking me whether twin 1 was the girl or boy. How do I know? It's in the notes she has in front of her if she cares to read! She didn't tell me what the babies weighed, or give me good photographs - the ones we got were quite poor. She was a bit of a mumbler and didn't explain what we were looking at, and as she only scanned close up on various parts of each baby (such as the cerebellum, or the stomach lining etc) I didn't get any views of the babies themselves. And when I asked about my cervix, which was worrying me, she replied that she couldn't see it and I shouldn't worry.

Disappointing. At our last scan (16 weeks) we saw a female consultant who was excellent.

Oh well, at least we know she didn't spot any problems although I was told one of my babies has a head resting right on my cervix, so they couldn't check its profile. I wish he or she wouldn't do that. I need my cervix not to be put under pressure!! I sneezed this morning and... forgot to clench my pelvic floor.

Also, I am full of cold right had a terrible night’s sleep. On New Year’s Eve I went to bed at 10:30 with a headache, aching face, utterly blocked up sinuses etc and fitfully dozed on and off all night, waking with a headache, neck ache, even more blocked up etc at 5:00am. I party-pooped the entire event and have only felt well enough to get dressed today. This really is a very nasty cold. Even my windpipe and lungs feel as if they're on fire. I’m overwhelmed with gunge in my head and chest, and my head pounds and aches all day. I hope none of this is affecting the babies. Made myself a fruit tea at 4:00 this morning. Can't sleep as head too painful when I lie down, but three pillows, two blankets and a quilt still can't make it comfortable enough so I can sleep sitting up. I just want this to be over. It's one of the worst colds I've ever had.

But so, so pleased the babies seem to be developing normally. Looking forward to the next scan.

Blooming!

19 weeks, 6 days

Nearly 20 weeks!

I'm feeling so healthy these days. I think I'm actually blooming!

Sometimes I don't even know I'm pregnant. I guess I'm really lucky. My symptoms are minimal: daily mild aching in the lower womb area, baby kicks, a bump, bigger boobs, and sometimes a stuffed up nose at night. Not much to moan about. Oh and I get a REALLY aching coccix as I go to stand up after sitting. I'm so pleased, as other ladies at my stage seem to have a lot more to complain about. My headaches are so minor and sometimes I don't even have one. It's a lovely relief they've more or less stopped.

We have our 20 week scan in two days' time. The anomoly scan. I will ask the sonographer if she can see my cervix (so I can stop worrying that it is incompetent).

Worry, worry, worry

18 weeks, 6 days

My latest worry is incompetent cervix.

I have never been diagnosed with one but it sounds so terrifying and it is such a horror. Your cervix, 'silently' and painlessly dilates in the second trimester, and then one day your waters break, and it's the end! Horror. And you only get the diagnosis if this had happened to you several times. I don't want this to happen to me once.

I'd rather they just had a look at the cervix beforehand. I know I am paranoid and it probably isn't going to affect me, but we had a piece of rare, rare bad luck last time in the pregnancy and I unfortunately know that it can happen to you, no matter how remote you think the possibility. At my next scan, which is about 20 weeks in about 10 days time, I will ask if she can see my cervix. I'm sure the consultant will be able to reassure me that all looks fine and it's not going to happen.

I like nice good, sound medical reasons.

Meanwhile, some positive thinking and trying not to imagine the worst possible scenarios of everything.

I said to my mum today that I seem to have a tendency to catastrophise things - to imagine the very worst - and I don't know why. A kind of self-protection measure I suppose, but I wish I didn't. I think it's because this pregnancy is so very precious that it really would be the worst thing that could happen to me to lose it.

But... that's not going to happen.

My bump

17 weeks, 5 days.

When walking around outside in this cold winter weather, wrapped up in winter coat and scarf, I can still easily pass as not pregnant. I don't have an obvious bulge. But in a thin top pressed close to my skin you can see that I am pregnant now. (I am very proud of this!)

I look at my stomach every night when I get ready for bed and I imagine the baboos in there... I am in awe of nature and what's going on inside me. I just think it's such a miracle, and so special... and then I starting thinking how can we be this lucky?? How can it continue to to be ok...? And then I tell myself to stop thinking negative things. etc etc and this inner dialogue/argument starts up between pesimism and optimism..

At 17 weeks

17 weeks, 3 days

I have just about grown out of the first pair of maternity jeans I bought.

ANother weird symptom has emerged:

I get an unpleasant feeling in my right ear - a horrible clicking sound every time my heart beats, but I actually hear and feel it in just one ear. I sometimes sit at my computer with my left finger in my right ear just so I don't have to hear and feel the clicking any more. It's horrible!

I also still have the totally stuffed up nose every night so I guess it's to do with the whole blocked sinus issue etc, but it sure is annoying.

This morning when DH felt my stomach he remarked, "oh, it's got smaller." I said, "yes, my bump's almost gone every morning." I don't know why. We talked a little about the possibilities and then just shrugged. It's a mystery to me. In the evenings I sometimes feel a bit stretched and big but it's always gone by morning.

However I do feel movements every day and night, little flutters low down and to the side. It's a wonderful feeling.

16 week scan

16 weeks, 4 days

I had my scan and everything is fine! Yes! The babies are moving, kicking each other happily, and have developed perfectly (as far as the consultant could see at this stage).

We saw perfect little spines, well-formed brains, working kidneys, pumping hearts, little hands and feet, long legs and genitals! :-D We were so happy. It was confirmed again that we have a boy and a girl (with the fact that there is a boy being very obvious!)

I guess we have to believe now that it's really going to happen and then in five months time, or less, we will have two babies.

I can feel the movements now. They just started properly in the last few days. Little flutters and internal pokes - with greater frequeny when I'm lying down. It's lovely.

DH is overjoyed, and I'm so happy to be able to give him this.

Pregnancy hormones

16 weeks, 3 days

I've just had the worst night of my life. I was awake between 2:00am and 7:00am. When I finally got to sleep I dreamed my DH was having an affair, and he threw his wedding ring at me while I screamed and cried. I woke up with a headache unable to breathe, having had about an hour and a half's fitful sleep.

Pregnancy hormones are driving me crazy. And then this morning I looked in the mirror at my bump and it looked much smaller to me. I am not having a good day. Feel depressed. But at least we have the scan tomorrow..